GodTube

I decided to sit and read a book by one of my favorite authors, Grace Livingston Hill, so I put YouTube on with a song list on and settled in…

  • Music – check!
  • Book – check!
  • Snack and something to drink – check check!!
  • Dog tucked in under blanket and snuggled in – check

Ready to read… And then YouTube started or should I say GodTube started… Song after song… Reminder of the depth of God’s love... Balm to my heart and soul… Refreshment for my mind… Strengthening my resolve… – making it so much easier to be still and know that He is God

It turned out I clearly needed worship time with God more than reading a book so I can fulfill the greatest commandments…

Luke 10:27 He answered, “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ ; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”

Regardless of mental health issues or not – GodTube is just what we need – when we need  – even if we weren’t aware we needed it…

I Don’t Want to Adult

Today marks 2 years since my last admission ended… Major medication changes… It took many months to get to the right combo but it was well on its way…

I had to trust my psych that he knew what he was doing… 

With God it’s the same thing… I have to trust Him…

Picture a sweet little girl, say little Shirley Temple…  Skipping down a garden path and she finds a weed. She knows that weeds don’t belong in a garden so she pulls it out, goes to where the gardener is working and asks what to do with it. He points out a bucket and she simply goes to it, drops it in then goes on skipping down the path…

Oh, to have a child like faith… So simple… 

See something not right, ask and get instruction, believe instruction, follow instruction, continue on as before as if nothing had happened but wiser in how to deal with this issue again…

Matthew 18:1b-5  He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me

When dealing with mental health issues, somedays simple instructions have been all I could do… Get out of bed, go eat something, try to do something to distract (from list prepared for days like these), if needed find someone to talk to, take the dog for a walk, feed the dog, play with the dog…

These are days I don’t want to adult… Actually, I honestly can’t adult, especially when my brain chemistry isn’t correct… 

That’s why there are help lines, suicide lines, web sites…

But I do trust God..  it doesn’t have to make sense… If I find something I don’t understand I just need to go with it…

God’s got a 100% average…

If Only

I’m currently doing the 12-step program Celebrate Recovery offers. It’s actually my third time. Every time I do there’s always something more that God can work on with me.

We’re dealing with the lesson on POWERLESS – an acrostic on how we really need to depend on God and for God’s help with the issue… it looks at the past…

If only…. Only If…

Only if
I had noticed _____ the _____ would/wouldn’t have happened
If only I had known _____ that day I wish I could take back my words
That time spent would have been successful only if _______
If only I had done this or only if I had seen this or only if I had been there or only if somebody had…
You get the idea…

With my mental health… If only I had talked to _____ or done ______ or not done _____ then maybe I wouldn’t have had my mental breakdown.
(see true life confession at the bottom)

Hindsight is 20/20… We all make decisions we regret… A child thinks if only I hadn’t climbed that tree my arm wouldn’t have broken…

So do I how to deal with the “if only’s”

It’s simple but incredibly hard…

  • I repent
  • I talk to God… prayer…
  • I listen to God through Bible studying
  • Learn from them my if only or only if”
  • Ask God to help me to avoid doing it again
  • I talk to my sponsor accountability partners
  • I make amends

There will be consequences… (not judgements – boy tree > broken arm)
But also peace with God from spending time with God… Be still, and know that I am God Psalm 46:10
Phil 4:4-8 …Peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart in Christ Jesus…

Back to POWERLESS (CR acrostic)

P is pride yah… I had lots of pride… which lead to many “if only”

O Only if… It’s really easy for me to play the self-bashing game… Instead,  I confess to God, He already knows what I did so what’s the benefit of hiding it, He can help me understand why and guides me to what I should do next time or to make amends with those who were affected by my actions…

Worry… Both backwards and forwards… Back… I can stay trapped in the past… Forward… Is God involved? So I just need to trust His plan (it’s called faith)

In going to end the acrostic here… Want to learn more? Find a Celebrate Recovery

Battling the if only or only if is better done with support…

Thinking about doing it does seem easy… It’s the application that is soooo hard…

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Okay that above is a battle plan… seems easy simple steps… I know the application is hard and I need the Holy Spirit to give me a nudge or a kick in the butt when I need to use it…

Honestly – it is what I want to do with my heart… that’s the God part of my life – but there is a carnal part of me that just SCREAMS to ignore it – excuse it away (excuse = the skin of truth stuffed with a lie), the self I have inside will distract me… I will think of ways to “justify” my reasoning to ______

The New Testament talks a lot about the sinful person I have inside… It can block the butt kicks… I might feel them or I have not listened long enough to the Spirit in me that I don’t feel them…

This was pretty much what happened in my life… I stopped listening to God… could I have avoided the mental health crisis? I don’t know that what I am dealing with is VERY physical – my brain is literally changed  – why or how or ??? I’m not 100% sure… it’s a disease… why does someone end up being a diabetic? Was it one too many cookies or cakes? Could they have prevented it? Regardless…
Regardless – I am where I am… it wasn’t sudden – there were clues it was happening… it started early on in my life… it’s where I am… This is where God and I try hard to keep moving forward…

Besides…. 

If there isn’t a battle going on – there should be and I need to seek God again… life happens – living it is the hard part….

(CR… I have no affiliation with them other than acknowledging how profound a has changed my life)

Brighter day… Reflections… Muses

Today was about the busiest day I have since I hit rock bottom a couple of weeks ago… and it was a GOOD day… good meaning – no thoughts of suicide… no out of control anxiety… a meeting with a team and good 2 way communication… and no heavy crash and burn afterwards…

Only 1 member of the group I met with knew of my recent struggles… the other 2 didn’t… (yes, the S word!)… it wasn’t so much that I was hiding it as it didn’t come up… and we had other items to attend to… and it was a test for me to see how I would do…

In 3 weeks I will chair a national meeting for 2 days… my first other than a brief post AGM meeting which isn’t all heavy duty… that will be a challenge – and the pre-meeting planning will also be a challenge…

BUT after today I am feeling more confident that I will be okay to… if not – i do have a good supportive few who know of the struggles I have been through the past couple of weeks…

I also have a meeting with my real paying job next week – to set up my graduated return to work… my manager is very supportive… I will be connecting with workplace health and there will be forms and such to fill out… and we also will be having an EDUCATION session on depression and anxiety with my coworkers and WPH and of course, a union rep to support me… oh and on aphasia…

Speaking of aphasia (yes, I can hear the pun groans)… that wasn’t an issue with today’s meeting – at least not that I noticed… I did catch my leg bouncing a couple of times (anxiety)…

The best part of the day was stopping at a pawn shop and getting a full DSLR camera – with 3 lenses… I enjoy taking pictures – and this will be a great way to explore my artistic abilities more with the camera – tomorrow a friend and I will be taking a beginners DSLR camera… and in a month I will take another level 2 course… the lenses are great – the camera- a bit older but not too bad… good for mucking around with at least… I am so spoiled by my husband…