Love and Like and Billy Graham

There have been days where I have loved some people but not liked them… my love doesn’t shrink… As I watch from a distance my heart sorrows for them…

From today’s devotions:

“Loving God and living fully for Him are not necessarily synonymous…”

I’m human… imperfect… I still have a piece of that fruit stuck in me… The “one” great- great x 1,000,000 grandparents sampled way back in the Garden…

But just because I love God, it doesn’t mean I’m fully living for Him…

I have frequent personal pity parties…

I have days where I’m really frustrated… You know those days where everything seems to be going wrong. Some days I can laugh about it other days I’m very frustrated and angry.

There are days when I’m angry, angry at God, angry at the world, and I have a major internal (quite BPD no emotions outward) hissy fit…

Until finally I decide, I choose to turn back to God and His word and His ways and to trust in Him…

I know He is love. I know He loves me and that I matter to Him… That he has a plan for me… And I do my Phil 4:4-9

Together God and I go on a trip back in history and I am reminded of times where I trusted Him. We go with some memories (I can remember on my own) or from pictures, through shared memories, or reading back in my journals… (gotta just love a brain injury PLUS mental health… (I have a great memory… just short)…

Then I remember that when things are beyond what I can handle, I allow Himto bring me in and cuddle me and I get to sit there and watch how He deals with whatever it is for me.

Does it mean I’m cured? Well not now it seems… . Maybe sometime later with God… Maybe never…

God knows and He knows what is coming… He has a plan… He uses imperfect people like me…

Who will be touched by my blog…

We all can look at Billy Graham and the incredible impact he personally he had…

Maybe it was just one thing that changed his heart…

So I may not touch the “next Billy Graham” but what if I do because of where I am right now…

For me, someone passing away saved me… then I started down the road and real recovery…

Makes ya think doesn’t it?

If Only

I’m currently doing the 12-step program Celebrate Recovery offers. It’s actually my third time. Every time I do there’s always something more that God can work on with me.

We’re dealing with the lesson on POWERLESS – an acrostic on how we really need to depend on God and for God’s help with the issue… it looks at the past…

If only…. Only If…

Only if
I had noticed _____ the _____ would/wouldn’t have happened
If only I had known _____ that day I wish I could take back my words
That time spent would have been successful only if _______
If only I had done this or only if I had seen this or only if I had been there or only if somebody had…
You get the idea…

With my mental health… If only I had talked to _____ or done ______ or not done _____ then maybe I wouldn’t have had my mental breakdown.
(see true life confession at the bottom)

Hindsight is 20/20… We all make decisions we regret… A child thinks if only I hadn’t climbed that tree my arm wouldn’t have broken…

So do I how to deal with the “if only’s”

It’s simple but incredibly hard…

  • I repent
  • I talk to God… prayer…
  • I listen to God through Bible studying
  • Learn from them my if only or only if”
  • Ask God to help me to avoid doing it again
  • I talk to my sponsor accountability partners
  • I make amends

There will be consequences… (not judgements – boy tree > broken arm)
But also peace with God from spending time with God… Be still, and know that I am God Psalm 46:10
Phil 4:4-8 …Peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart in Christ Jesus…

Back to POWERLESS (CR acrostic)

P is pride yah… I had lots of pride… which lead to many “if only”

O Only if… It’s really easy for me to play the self-bashing game… Instead,  I confess to God, He already knows what I did so what’s the benefit of hiding it, He can help me understand why and guides me to what I should do next time or to make amends with those who were affected by my actions…

Worry… Both backwards and forwards… Back… I can stay trapped in the past… Forward… Is God involved? So I just need to trust His plan (it’s called faith)

In going to end the acrostic here… Want to learn more? Find a Celebrate Recovery

Battling the if only or only if is better done with support…

Thinking about doing it does seem easy… It’s the application that is soooo hard…

*****************************************************************************

Okay that above is a battle plan… seems easy simple steps… I know the application is hard and I need the Holy Spirit to give me a nudge or a kick in the butt when I need to use it…

Honestly – it is what I want to do with my heart… that’s the God part of my life – but there is a carnal part of me that just SCREAMS to ignore it – excuse it away (excuse = the skin of truth stuffed with a lie), the self I have inside will distract me… I will think of ways to “justify” my reasoning to ______

The New Testament talks a lot about the sinful person I have inside… It can block the butt kicks… I might feel them or I have not listened long enough to the Spirit in me that I don’t feel them…

This was pretty much what happened in my life… I stopped listening to God… could I have avoided the mental health crisis? I don’t know that what I am dealing with is VERY physical – my brain is literally changed  – why or how or ??? I’m not 100% sure… it’s a disease… why does someone end up being a diabetic? Was it one too many cookies or cakes? Could they have prevented it? Regardless…
Regardless – I am where I am… it wasn’t sudden – there were clues it was happening… it started early on in my life… it’s where I am… This is where God and I try hard to keep moving forward…

Besides…. 

If there isn’t a battle going on – there should be and I need to seek God again… life happens – living it is the hard part….

(CR… I have no affiliation with them other than acknowledging how profound a has changed my life)

Underneath the trappings we’re decaying

My personal Bible study is going through the Book of Revelations. There are 7 church’s addressed each receive praise and instructions. Philadelphia gets a lot of praise but Sardis gets a lot of warnings including that while they seem alive they are really dead.

I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. (Rev 3:1)

From my commentary:

We cover up the dead places in ourselves with all sorts of regalia. We fill the emptiness with fine clothing, once-in-a-lifetime experiences, or relationships in which the other is set up as god. Underneath the trappings, though, we’re decaying.*

To me at least this soooo takes me to my mental health issues… For years I had been trying to fulfil the void inside that could only be filled by God… instead, I sought my self-worth in what I was performing and trying to show-off how important I was… trying to feel special and acknowledged by those around me….

Underneath the trappings, though, we’re decaying.

I had a huge dead place inside – and for me – the longer I chose to avoid it – the bigger it became… until I finally reached a point where the void was so big, I slipped off the edge and fell into it… and was forced to deal with it… and have God save me… but not before I hit the bottom with my depression, anxiety and BPD to the point of suicidal thoughts that would haunt me daily for months and months… and they still pop-up from out of nowhere still and can leave me quivering – literally, physically inside I feel like a taser or something has hit me…

I’m working the way out of the void with God’s help, however, there are scars… working and battling with God in the void isn’t easy… physically my brain is actually changed… I need – require medications to keep me from returning and falling back into the void…

Is it a case of lack of faith? No… Is a diabetic lacking faith by using insulin?

And just like a diabetic – somedays are better than others… it depends on way too many factors to list…

The good news is – I have God on my side… if I stay close to Him – listen to His spirit whispering to my heart and soul words of wisdom, I’m okay – even on the days which are not so good…

And prayer, but just not alone – I have a support network in place – I can send out a text message and know they are also praying on my behalf…

Growth – I am actively (well hopefully more days than not) seeking God’s will through not only reading my devotions but also in a group with women doing a 12-step from Celebrate Recovery – I do not have any personal gain by mentioning this other than knowing it works. The women in my groups have all different ways we have met – substance abuse, sexual abuse, anger, food addiction, codependency… but the one things we do have – a growing faith in God and building a network to support each other…

 

*Barry, J. D., & Kruyswijk, R. (2012). Connect the Testaments: A One-Year Daily Devotional with Bible Reading Plan. Bellingham, WA: Lexham Press.

Job’s Story and My Integrity

There once was a man named Job who lived in the land of Uz. He was blameless—a man of complete integrity.

Satan had been going to and forth over the earth (and he still does this today). God and he talk and Job comes up in the conversation….

So God says I give you permission to change his situation and see if Job will curse me… and Job lost everything and so close together would have thought text messages had already been invented…

He lost 1 thing and only 1 servant escaped to tell Job and to make matters worse – before #1 had finished speaking a 2nd servant came to tell him about another loss but before he could finish speaking and a 3rd servant came to report another loss and before this servant finished speaking #4 came in with the final but most horrific news that all of his son’s and daughter’s had been killed.

Job’s response? He went into morning – shaving his head and beard, tore his close and then… then… Job fell to the ground and WORSHIPED – some may already know those well-quoted words:

Naked I came into this world – naked I will depart.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away – BLESSED be the name of the Lord…

Satan didn’t break Job… He didn’t curse… He worshipped…

Then God proudly (as any parent would do) shows Job off… That Job is the best man on earth, blameless, high integrity…

Satan basically does a double dog dare you with God… God allows satan to take away Job’s health hoping to see that Job would finally curse God…

He is covered from head to toes with boils…

He found himself alone – His wife starts to nag him to curse God and give up and confess already!

Job’s friends come to support him and when they see how horrible Job’s body is… They morn just like Job had earlier… And they all stay silent for 7 days…

His friend’s, who came to support him, don’t understand him – surely God is punishing Job – they tell him to ask forgiveness and be done with it… most of the rest of Job is banter back and forth between Job and his “friends”.

The end of chapter 26 and into 27 Job speaks some words of truth at his friends… Job 27

Job 27 2:6 is what really caught and quickened my heart today…

2 “As surely as God lives, who has denied me justice,
the Almighty, who has made my life bitter,
3 as long as I have life within me,
the breath of God in my nostrils,
4 my lips will not say anything wicked,
and my tongue will not utter lies.
5 I will never admit you (Job’s friends) are in the right; till I die, I will not deny my integrity.
6 I will maintain my innocence and never let go of it;
my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live.”

God knew Job but more importantly, Job knew God. Job intrinsically knew God and the law of God… How to live in and stay in peace with God.

[Job grieved… He lost a lot… I can maybe empathize a bit… I have been dealing with a lot of loss with my mental health… A job I can no longer do which I really loved… Financial loss… my relationships with my family has changed, especially with my husband (he’s such a saint)… Loss of some friends… A very, very different daily, weekly, etc schedule… A changed way to live… ]

Now I have 3 trains of thoughts..

1. Staying true with friends. If Job were my friend how would my support be? I’d like to think I would stick with them through thick and thin, but would I question and wonder about their integrity?

I’m pretty sure that the answer would be no I would not… According to: Matt 5:45

For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.

There are areas in our lives that are totally out of our control. That doesn’t mean someone has lost their integrity! And I’d like to think I’m a support person…

2. How long would my integrity last? Actually, do I start with integrity? I’m not perfect in anybody’s imagination! I blow it. I make mistakes… And I have to suffer with the consequences of my previous choices.

However, sometimes I’m dealing with something that’s the results of the actions of others or just fate. When it’s because of the later, how would I handle it?

There are times though that no one else supports or is ready to back you on something… And just like Job you don’t waiver…

With mental health it’s so SO easy to doubt myself… To wonder if what I’m seeing or interpreting is truth or not… Second guessing, okay 100th time guessing…

My likely first reaction would be blaming myself as I’m must have done something wrong. Everything is always my fault… And I want to isolate…

Oh and let’s not forget anxiety… Yup, anxiety from all sides… kick in my BPD and a real fun mental health is going full tilt… My thoughts can be twisting around like Taz does in a Bugs Bunny cartoon…

I’ve been dealing with my mental health issues for coming up on 4 years. I like to think (okay let’s be kinder to myself) I know looking back I’ve changed, both for the negative but mostly positive.

Knowing that as I work and walk with God, as I get to understand how life should and can be lived, my identity in Christ will not be in question… Mostly to myself.

3. I’ve been on a rejoice journey lately with God… As in rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice…

It doesn’t matter what situation I’m in or at… God’s pretty clear…Phil 4:4 Rejoice to the Lord always and again I say rejoice!

So, Job was a very excellent role model…

Oh, in the end, God doubles what Job had lost…

Reality vs Thoughts

It’s easy to write from this side of the screen and have ideological thoughts about how life is lived and everything is peachy-keen and then get up from the keyboard and have life smack me right in the face…

Now to those people who know me in real life… say, laugh, raise your eyebrows, look shocked, re-read the words – but remember it’s a long process… please know that I am trying to live my life as authentic as I can… that I am the same person who leaves the church on Sunday through Saturday and because I have spent time with God I am a little further down the road with God when I return… (reality – I’m human and it will be hard to measure)…

I have a few stresses in life right now… and I’m trying to use my tools to the best of my ability… and yes, I’m overwhelmed from time to time throughout the day… so it’s toolbox time:

  1. Recognise I’m not at peace
  2. Start with Phil 4:4-8 Rejoice and Gentleness
  3. Contact my support network – because well – that’s why I have them right?
  4. Use other tools I have gathered and put together…
    1. God is fully aware of what I am going through
      • As I’m writing this God lead me to Psalm 91 and gives me angels!
        Verse 11: Psalm 91:11 (NLT) For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.
    2. Other Bible verses I have gleaned for times like these… when I KNOW that God directed and spoke to me… whispered to my heart – I suddenly just knew or realised…
    3. Resource other times He has proven faithful and loving…
      1. Look back at old journals…
      2. Listen to music I know that comforts my soul…

Mostly though – it’s prayer and (if necessary self-forced) rejoicing (it’s a command remember)… rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice (repeat 10 or 1000 times as needed)… rejoice over anything I can… about my past history with God, my family, that I live on our beautiful earth where I know that God loves me more than nature, that I know that Christ died on the cross just for me, where I know I matter to God – He will come and find me when I get lost, that He protects me under the shadow of His wing… that I live in a country where I can practise my faith…

that if I can’t put into words what I want to really say to God – then the Holy Sprit within me will groan to God on my behalf

and where I go get the peace that I know will be coming and replacing the stress… to spend time with God and remember that I can be still and know that He is God (even if just for a few seconds)…

Yup, I’m off – I’ve gathered my thoughts (thanks for travelling with me today) and I have my battle plans…

Phil 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice! – I’m starting here

Routines, Jesus & Spirals

My Christian routine has been off lately… Hubby retired, living in a new place, family needs… new commitments, times of sharing with friends, other personal trials… oh – don’t forget that I still deal with Mental Health Issues – and the cherry on the top – a brain injury… (the coconut – ADHD)

I NEED routine – I need numbers – literally…. 6 – that’s my morning number… brushing my teeth, washing my face and so forth… hopefully there will not be any distraction or my number counting goes out the window… Pockets or 5 or 6 when leaving the house – 4 pockets (keys, phone, wallets, hair) + hubby knows where I will be, water, anything else (usually placed so I will stumble over it on my way out)…

“Pockets” or 5 or 6 when leaving the house – 4 pockets (keys, phone, wallets, hair) + 5 hubby knows where I will be,  6 water, anything else (jacket) (usually placed so I will stumble over it on my way out)…

I NEED connection –  I LOVE Celebrate Recovery – It has been life changing for me… I had a good routine going this past fall – Step Study Tuesday nights, CR meeting on Thursday’s, Church on Sunday’s…. but this year we had troubles with weather – WAY more snow and freezing weather and missed many nights of both Tuesday and Thursday – I missed so many Tuesday that I dropped out of the 12 step  – There is a special sister bond that happens during a Step Study and I didn’t want to break what was already going on between them… I really missed that… {BPD trigger #1)

Someone, who I find as a good mentor, had mentioned going for coffee with me – and to me the way it was said to lead me to believe in a couple of weeks…. As you can read between the lines – it hasn’t happened… {BPD trigger #2}

Queue the Mental Health…. My Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) kicks into gear…. which triggers the anxiety  – depression follows – then the BPD voices get stronger… repeat… {BPD is somewhat quickly described as – I hate you don’t leave me + much more}

I find I’m sliding down a non-ending spiral slide… spiral slide

One huge issue is to even realise I have started spiralling… God never leaves us going down in a spiral – He always has a way for us to step off… The farther we go though, the harder & longer we have to battle back up…

This isn’t a physical battle… There is nothing physical I can push or punch or lockout or throw away… It’s a Spiritual battle… full on… and God has given me what I need to fight…

But once I do realise it… I have tools…

God’s peace (Phil 4:4-8)

The Armour of God (Eph 6)

Thought control (2 Cor 10:3-5)

Deciding if the thoughts and voices in my head are true or not – are they from God or not? Thoughts are from 1 of 2 places – God or Satan – I validate them – is what I am thinking something God or Jesus would say to me? Is it something I would say about or to someone I love?  My way to figure out if I should be allowing this is – take all my thoughts to God…
2 Cor 10:3-5  verse 3 We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. 5 We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.

The good news is – we already know the finish to the war- read the end of the book – GOD WINS!

Jesus coming and dying on the cross in our place gave us BACK the authority that Adam had lost to Satan back at Eden –  MEANING that Satan has NO hold on me.

Satan is a SORE LOSER and will use anything and everything he can – including what is said and thought between our ears… a friend says – Satan needs to get out as he’s been living in my head rent free… He will still win some battles but NOT the war…

Is it easy? Not a chance… Sometimes after something is over I look back and realise I could have handled “this” way better with God in control. Sometimes I don’t trust God (I know this sounds stupid – and it is – but I can view God based on people I trust – mentors – and they aren’t perfect. Sometimes pride gets in the way – sometimes false humility, sometimes I feel the need to “brag” about where God and I are at and how I solved my problem basically myself and with just a little bit of God’s help… sometimes I simply don’t see what I should be seeing… accountability partners might come and try to gently suggest areas I need to work on in my walk with God… Sometimes I need my sponsor or friend or, of course, hubby to give me a swift kick in the keester.

Routine – that’s what I need to start figuring out… including a scheduled time with God… from where I am now… So – God – I have my agenda out…

 

 

A Tomato And Mental Health

 I was tending to my little garden, a hopeful success this summer (I usually kill anything).

As I was working my way down to my tomato plants – I saw it! My first tomato! (and yes I know there are more in the picture).

What makes this little tomato so special was a reflection on how 1, 2, or especially 3 years ago how far I have come. I could not have done gardening, some days getting out of bed was a monumental task…showers – self-care… I didn’t deserve any was my scrambled thinking…

So, this tomato is a big mile marker in my recovery…

Seeing new life instead of the massive urge to end my own.  I’m about 18 months on a med combo that’s working… It’s been a hard road with many dark days BUT also tonnes of prayers, not just mine – with my family and my network of support…

The BIGGEST reason though… God… That’s it. God… He never gave up on me… He brought people into my life at certain times… and I found my faith in Him again…

Restore us to Sanity

My recovery started one night at Celebrate Recovery with the words …
We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity (Step 2).
I need my sanity back… That’s all I basically remember from my first few meetings… However, it was enough to keep me coming back…

A few days before my first meeting – I had tried suicide…

My life has SOOOO changed since then…

It isn’t perfect – I don’t get out of bed each day like Pollyanna. There are still really hard days… days I’m confused and not sure where or what I am supposed to do… days I feel like I have been thrown under the bus… the difference is – I have my network I have been building there to support me – send off a quick text and I know the support is there…

You are NOT too far gone for God

I want you to know that if you are reading this… You are NOT too far gone for God… If you are breathing, your heart still beating – you are still loved by God…  The very fact that you are here now reading this is the proof God is waiting for you to turn to Him… He brought you here to read this short blog… Believe in this one simple thing – that you will have your TOMATO day soon… feel free to leave a comment…

Learning to Learn & Coconuts

God’s will… something as a Christian I strive to do… I really do want to… I try to seek out His plan for me… and then when I think I have it – I try to do it… and many times fail.

As someone with mental health issues it can be very overwhelming. My anxiety goes up, my perfectionism jumps to the front of the line, fear of failure and with BPD inside I’m already planning an escape route because I just know I will mess up. I will disappoint people (again) and they will never want to be around me… Well I think you are seeing where I am going with this… I don’t even know where to start – I freeze or I fly…

During a devotional I came across Psalm 143:73 & then I had an epiphany!

Psalm 143:73 You made me; you created me.
Now give me the sense to follow your commands*

I had it backwards when it came to my thinking about doing God’s will! I was trying to do it by myself and then give it to God saying here it is but instead of being done properly it’s messed up (yup – see I’m too messed up – I’m a loser – I can’t do anything right – I bet God is ashamed of me)….

I needed to first learn how to learn God’s will…

okay – let me explain…

In God’s will say I’m going start using coconuts for making wonderful deserts for church meetings . It’s a way to serve in my church but the problem is when I get a coconut I don’t know what to do with it… I know I need to get it open – but how? I’ts hard – so maybe I need to bash it with my fists… try #2 run over it with my car… #3 drop it from the upper window of my house… #4 I use a drill and finally at least get the liquid out… but not the meat…

So how do I finally learn? I need to ask God to teach me so I can use the entire coconut both the milk and the meat and He shows me. So now I have learned and have the coconut skill ready to go!  Learn #1 accomplished

Now I need to use the readied coconut as God wants me to. What recipes does He chooses. There are so many out there – but I know that I can trust God to give me the correct one He wants me to use. Learn #2 accomplished

Hopefully I’ve explained it well enough that you and I need to learn to be able to learn. God won’t ask us to do more that we can handle – He will stretch us and we will accomplish more than we could ever hope to… we will grow in our faith… which brings us into better relationship with Him – and then He are assigned something else and God gives us what we need to…

*Tyndale House Publishers. (2013). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (Ps 119:73). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

 Edit*** From my devotions

 I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. 

 

Not Always or Every & God Sees

I’m just like everyone – we all want to feel wanted, special. needed. loved. And for people with Borderline Personality Disorder this is very true but the self-hatred and the polar opposite is also true  – My 2 second teaching version of BPD is – I hate you – DON’T LEAVE ME!!

The “I hate you” is a coping method of pushing you away because we know that eventually you wiil so let’s just get it over this now, but we really are desperate for a friend.

BPD is a severe diagnosis – 1 of  everty 10 people diagnosed  will die from suidice

If someone you know or love has been diagnosed please take the time to read up on it. There are many really good YouTube video’s

There are  500 plus ways to be diagnosed so it’s not a one size fits all illness but there are 2 basic categories everyone ends up – rage or quiet. Some information online say 4 – either way it’s serious. My BPD is always there. Ready to jump out. Sometimes I catch it and sometimes I don’t until later.

I am blessed as I have a great resource network that I have built up over the last 3 years. The best one by far is Celebrate Recovery it is a Christian 12 step. I’ve posted the link here. I hadn’t heard of it until I really needed it and when I did I was emotionally, spiritually and literally physically dead.

I was emotionally, spiritually and literally almost physically dead.

But I took ownership of me. Was it easy? NO – absolutely – categorically  NO! 

I took mental health classes thorough my local mental health and I did the homework. I attended CR week after week.Sometimes I sat in my car for 1/2 hour to even open the door. I attended CR when I was allowed out on phys on passes. I did the 12 steps twice and I’m on my third. I attended church – I joined a small group from church. I built my network of support. New friends.

I changed my thinking behaviors – insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. If you want change you need to change the script.

I stopped using words like EVERY and ALWAYS – Every time I open a box of cereal it splits open and falls on the floor? EVERY TIME?? umm…well , you know like… twice
I ALWAYS get scratched by my friends cat? ALWAYS – well – only when I sit on her favorite chair…

I was challenged to think of 3 things to thankful for – right now…. you do it too…

  1. I have access to a computer
  2. I am in a place where I am sheltered so I can actually use a computer, so I’m not in the rain or snow or dessert
  3. I have clothes I am wearing right now

Get the idea? Small things count! Build your list – keep adding to it… maybe you can look out the window and see a bird or a tree or…

I have been dealing with this for just over 3 years now. It’s a SLOW process – It’s a hard and rocky pathway.

BPD people need other BPD people & we need other “normal” people (do they actually exist?)  okay how about other people who are dealing with other issues but no BPD so we can sort of aim for what we want to be….

A lot of people quote Jeremiah 29:11 I like 11 to 14

 Jer 29:11-11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity

Captivity that pretty much describes how I felt 3 years ago… a churning, boiling black pit – my own personal hell on earth trying to drag me down for good, It came close.

I started off this blog talking more about how everyone (in this case every fits) wants to be needed, and I have found that I am needed – but as God needs me – this isn’t a wishy-washy statement. God built me from the zygote on up. I have desires and passions inside of me just waiting to be used – I have talents. God isn’t going to push those aside and tell me to do something I have no desire to do (unless I need to learn more about humbling).

To not use my talent is a waste. I may fumble a bit while learning to utilize it – but at least I am using it.

As for being noticed – yes – I am being noticed. God is watching and I know that’s more than enough.

Buster Keaton, Brother Lawrence & Popcorn

January 9. 2017

Sometimes it seems like nothing goes wrong and I have a perfect day… key work SOMETIMES – usually scant and far a few (where did that saying from come – far a few?)

I’m usually good at seeing the bigger things in life – the trees in the forest – and mostly it is the things on the pathway that I trip on… usually… sometimes all the little ones seemingly play poker and I get hit with a royal flush… the days where every time I turn around there seems to be something… individually they are nothing – but when they come together they later watch the collective review and I’m sure they must be looking at the comedy they scripted for my day… and yes, it looks like a  Buster Keaton film (black and white silent film star worth seeing).

Someday later I will look back and get out a bowl of popcorn and tell the story of one day when…. to my grandchildren and in true grandparent fashion and there will be embellishments.

But on the day it is happening??  My friends who know me in person know that I am a kluts … seriously… I have an inner ear problem as a permanent leftover of my brain injury coming up on 20 years ago… and I am working hard to change this… today it seemed like everywhere I turned I was getting to know door frames or wall corners or slipping or tripping on well – dust! AND it just wasn’t my legs/feet that ganged up on me… my arms and hands joined the collective as well… I tried to put something somewhere… and missed… ot  it slipped… or (thanks to my wonderful memory) would bring something into another room for a specific reason – get distracted about 3 seconds later (can we say ADHD) and then either forget why I came into that room – or seriously can’t remember what I brought – or where I left it about 10 seconds later…. (no joke)…. if you were to put microphones in my house you would hear a lot of “seriously Shauna” or “OK God – I know it’s here somewhere – please help me find it” said repeatedly.

By the time I’m now getting ready for bed and reflecting on my day… I’m de-stressing… I didn’t really keep track of it until just a bit ago… kinda like the frog in water (I’ve heard not done)… put a frog in beaker of cold water and the frog is content – then put a bunson burner, the ones from high school chemistry) under the frog but at a low flag… the frog is still content and awhile later suddenly the frog croaks… so why? Well the frog was content – and the water was slowly rising – and the frog never noticed and suddenly the frog died because the water temperate was no longer compatible to it’s life.

One day of this can happen and for me – I don’t like the days when I don’t keep myself in tune with God – listening to the Holy Spirit – I’ve somehow tuned Him off…

Brother Lawrence expressed the highest moral wisdom when he testified that if he stumbled and fell he turned at once to God and said, “O Lord, this is what You may expect of me if You leave me to myself.” He then accepted forgiveness, thanked God and gave himself no further concern about the matter*

*Tozer, A. W., & Foster, M. E. (2007). Tozer on the Holy Spirit: A 366-day devotional. Camp Hill, PA: WingSpread

Here’s looking at a better day tomorrow…. I’m going to be more like Brother Lawerence