Lately Several Days Have Attacked Me at Once

Perspective is an interesting thing… I, like many others, had my issues dealing with the threat of Covid and the uncertainty… family members that are high risk… then a family member became deathly ill… and suddenly Covid didn’t seem as important…

For the last 3 months a close family member has been very ill… they have come close to death a few times… and the doctor’s are still trying to settle everything down… add to that dealing with a loved one in hospital during Covid – you know, when it’s really hard to see them… it took WEEKS before anyone could get in for a visit… and those visits have been very tough emotionally… communication between our family and the hospital has been less than stellar many times which has only added to the anxiety of the unknown… this illness has led to life altering issues… it’s also raised issues from long ago – triggers that I have had to deal with… things I thought I had maybe dealt with – but actually hadn’t… at least not fully…

Added to that – I was given clearance to return to work 6 months ago (yeah!!) after being off for 6 years… while things were moving slowly – there was finally light at the end of the tunnel… and then the light turned out to be a train… lol… my employer decided I have been out of the workforce for too long and no longer want to recognize my skills and training… (after they had offered me a carrot, let me taste it – then snatched it away…) I can honestly understand their position – it is something I have thought about myself – and that I have taken steps to refresh my training and been bringing my knowledge up to date with any changes that have happened over the time I have been off… and I actually had a plan to present to them – but unilaterally they rescinded the position they had promised…

Life always has other stressed… and I won’t go into detail about those… but I think you can now see that indeed – several days attacked me at once… or so it seemed…

Spiritually, it’s easy to say I am under attack… and to be honest, it has thrown me into a spiral quite a few times… Not back where I was when I had to leave work and deal with my mental health illness… but far enough that it really, really threw me off track…

But God is always there… that is one certainty…

As a friend likes to quote – Only God can open a door that was closed and close a door that no one can open…

For 6 .5 years I have been honing skills – growing closer to God… learning who I am in Christ…

I’ve learned “tricks” that can help keep my grounded… which isn’t easy as my life has the challenges of a brain injury and ADHD… I’m much more than just “squirrel”… I’m more like – squirrel – is that a walnut he’s holding? Isn’t mom’s dining table made of walnut? Walnut square – I haven’t had that for a while… Square – can be divided into 2 triangles… angles – can be obtuse or acute – cute – weren’t those shoes I saw my daughter wear the other day cute? And this all happens in 1.2 seconds in my brain…

The tricks I have learnt are in grounding myself in Christ – reminders to pray EVERYDAY:

  • I am putting on the armour of God… that I have the mind of Christ
  • God is the One who makes you and us strong in Christ. God made us his chosen people.
  • Proverbs 11:29 Godly people find life
  • God is the One who makes you and us strong in Christ. God made us his chosen people.
  • That during trials I can pray out to Him – and that He will ALWAYS answer.
  • Habakkuk 3:17-19 Even though the fig trees have no blossoms (that the world around me seems to suck)… vs 18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
  • 2 Cor 4:6 For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

I could continue but I have these as either prayers or as popups on my phone throughout the day…

I will admit – there are times I simply swipe them away – and times I really don’t want to – and sometimes don’t – pray…

It seemed like I was floating along and doing SOOO well for awhile… and just like Israel – it’s easy to forget about spending that quality time with God… then when things crash – it’s easy to sink into a depression… into despair…

I’m not completely out of the woods… but thanks to friends who I reached out to – I’m back to taking control with God’s help…

For me, mental health is still really a daily battle… I know I won’t take as long to recover from this crash as I did 6 years ago… I didn’t sink nearly as low… but low enough it scared me… and made me humble before my God…

I built my support system through Celebrate Recovery – if you haven’t checked it out – you need to… it doesn’t matter what type of issue you bring with you – someone there has battled the same things… the recovery isn’t just addictions like drugs & alcohol – but also addiction to negative thinking, addiction to co-dependency – addiction to foods – addiction to being treated poorly and low self-worth… addiction to hearing more from Satan than God… any type of hurt, habit or hang-ups… God is always there…

Getting Through the Crisis

A crisis at any time is challenging… add on mental health issues and it can seem like a perfect storm…

Right now it seems like the entire world is in crisis. COVID-19 isn’t racist… it effecting every race and pretty much every country…

What’s different about this crisis is you aren’t alone… we are all here working through it together… and we can support each other… maybe not through hugs or physical contact with friends, but either at the 6 foot distance or online through video chats…

One important thing to remember through this is – there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus… We are NOT to feel guilt over past sins, after we confess them to God… Satan loves to trap us in condemnation… instead God promises to use ALL things for good, according to His purpose, for those who are in Christ Jesus!! In other words, all the bad/crappy/negative events in your life can and will be used to help others here on earth… so if you are feeling condemnation how can that event be used for good?!?!?!?! Don’t believe Satan’s lie!

I was reading through Insight for Living (Chuck Swindoll) and came across this list of okay things during a crisis:

  1. It’s okay to be mad and angry.
  2. It’s okay to sleep when you are exhausted.
  3. It’s okay to not know the answer.
  4. It’s okay to feel lost.
  5. It’s okay to feel scared.
  6. It’s okay to cry.
  7. It’s okay to doubt your beliefs and convictions.
  8. It’s okay to lose or forget things.
  9. It’s okay to have huge emotional shifts.
  10. It’s okay to say, “Though I don’t like this now, I will choose to believe God is sitting by me, so I might as well talk with Him about it all.”

WE don’t have all the answers… NO ONE PERSON DOES!!!!!!

So how do we survive? The simple answer is God… But what does that really mean? It means trusting God. Believing what you read in the Bible… Putting into practice all the morals and God truths learned in Sunday School… following through on all the things Jesus taught when He was on earth (Matthew 5 and the Blessed are statements are a great place to start)…

It also means turning your problems and issues over to Christ…

Many years ago I found myself in a crisis… through something I had been reading God gave me a message I REALLY REALLY didn’t want to hear… it meant huge changes in my life and I was powerless to change anything… God brought me to Philippians 4:4-7 and I found the steps to peace… it wasn’t easy and it took MANY hours on my face before God… at first I argued against what was coming… then I realized how futile that was… here was God preparing me to go through my toughest battle I had ever fought… He was giving me time to prepare… to press into Him for the strength I would need…

Philippians 4:4 states “Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS.” Always? Yes… it is possible… but how? For me I turned to praise songs… I sang every upbeat Christian song I could thing of… Rejoicing is SOOOOO important that God states it again… “and again I say rejoice!

Verse 5 says: “Let your gentleness be evident to all” for a long time I thought that this verse was out of place but then I realized that if I am really at a point of rejoicing then I am not all worked up (BPD Emotional Mind) but instead I am working towards peace and everyone should want what I am showing…

Verse 6: “Do not be anxious, but in every situation , with prayer and petition, present your request(s) to God“… mine was simple… I needed God’s strength to get through what I was facing… there were sub-parts we also discussed…

Verse 7: “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” That peace, unexplainable, overwhelmingly wonderful peace really did come… and I still can’t put it into words… if you have worked through all the steps and then are wondering if you have “that” Peace… I can tell you – you don’t… when you truly have it, you will know… and if you haven’t found it yet start back at the top… go back to rejoicing… rejoicing until you feel God presence with you…

Six weeks after gaining God’s peace, the crisis moment came and there were many tough days… but I can tell you this… at the moment it happened, I still had that peace and I knew that while tough times were ahead, God was with me… a few days later I had a co-worker asked me why I was able to function and not a “basket case”… she saw that peace in me and wanted it… already God was using these events for good… that joyous peace and closeness to God lasted many, many months…

A friend actually told me she was jealous of me… you see, it’s hard to be that close to God in the long run… mountain peaks and valleys are a part of life… she had gone through a similar crisis and remembered how wonderful that peace, that incredible closeness with God had been…

I’ve dealt with many crisis since… some larger than others… and I can always go back to that time… and know that God is always with me… in some ways, that peace never leaves… the memory always remains…

Even during my mental health crisis, I knew deep down that God was there… my brain chemistry was horribly messed up and God has had some lessons for me to learn… now, I’m so much stronger in my faith… I had allowed myself to slide away from God… rely on my own strength and ended up spending a lot of time in the psych ward or community short stay residence over the next couple of years…

So what changed? God ALWAYS has a way off the spiral… I had to be willing to not only look for those spots but be willing to step off and accept God’s help… I’ve gone from extremely suicidal, with non-stop thoughts and many plans to not having had a suicidal thought now in a LONG time…

Don’t get me wrong, mental health is still a daily battle… only now I have safety’s in place… reminders of God’s truths, mental health mood checks several times day (phone reminders), frequently listening to Christian music… friends who care and will notice if they see something happening and warn me and also willing to call on my crap – keeping me accountable… of course, I have my family who love and support me…

COVID-19 did knock me on my butt for awhile… my anxiety was higher than normal… I fought sliding into a depression along with negative thoughts and have come out the winner… I refer back to Philippians 4:4-7 often when I catch myself anxious… God provided me with timely therapy to not only challenge my twisted thinking but also the skills and tools to make the changes… it’s been hard work… and I’ve used those tools… God’s Holy Spirit inside of me often speaks to me and warns me if I’m getting off track… that still small voice… it still rings of peace…

I Have Become…

God never wasted a hurt – a common saying… we all have issues – some are just more prevalent than others – with mental illness it is both out there but also so well hidden…

Paul the Apostle wrote :

1 Corinthians 9:22-23 NLT  I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

I have a friend and together we can talk about some issues we have in common… I have friends who have had to bury a child – something that no parent should have to do – and I can’t begin to understand what they are going through… I’ve had a sick child who was tested for a genetic illness and I know how wretched a time that was for me…

The saying – until you walk in my shoes… Unless people have dealt with deep depression – dealt with agonizing thoughts of wanting to live or die… and die was stronger… dealt with anxiety so strong that you feel you are being dragged into a black endless hole, feeling like you are only holding on by 1 fingernail…

If you want insight into anxiety – try this:

You are walking down a street – and you recognize the person you love most in the world walking towards you – close enough to wave at – but not close enough to talk to – and just as you wave you realize there is an out of control semi truck headed straight towards them and you can not do anything about it – take the brief moment – that less than 1 second of realization that horror – take it and multiply it by 10,000 then multiply it more – then make it last for hours or days… then you are maybe starting to coming close…

Until I knew the label anxiety I called them oppression – and in many ways that is true… As time goes the enormity of it fades – just like the pain of childbirth – but the effect of it is not forgotten… I recall and wrote in my journal, I would not wish this upon anyone – and I mean anyone – including Hitler – they were that horrible… there really is no way I can fully describe them in their entirety…

Looking back on Paul’s statement, “I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.”

If I really want to help people – my way to reach out is with what I personally know – mental health (and other things as well)… Paul says I have become “all things to people”

For me personally, I have become an advocate for people (with mental illness) so that be all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

For those whose voice is silenced with the shame and stigma of mental health – especially in the church… but also anywhere… people on the street – women close to where I live… people in whom I have contact…

that I may share in their blessings

Copyright 2018

O God, I Beg Two Favours

From a devotional:

Prov 30:7-8  O God, I beg two favors from you; let me have them before I die.  

First, help me never to tell a lie

Second, give me neither poverty nor riches! Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. 

Psalms 23… I shall not want…also comes to mind…

A clean slate… A new year… Resolutions…

I heard a speaker once talk about how he had just landed off the red eye to be met at the airport by his secretary and a clean suit… the last thing he wanted and he had totally forgotten about the event… He was the keynote speaker at a ladies function. 

While on the stage only halfways awake, he was listening to the hostess talk about a need for a missionary team that required $7,000 for a much needed building… She asked him to come and lead the prayer… 

And he said NO! 

Instead he got up to the podium and looked out over the sizeable audience and said that he was sick and tired of all the prayers that went up when the reality is simply among everybody there they could easily raise the $7,000. He then took his wallet and ask the lady to open it up and take whatever cash he had in there and put it into the offering. He then announced that whatever amount they were short he would write a personal check and cover the balance. He wanted every woman in there to trust God to take whatever money they had their wallet and believe that God would bless them and return it and to come on up and put it in the offering. 

Nobody started to move so finally he looked at one lady, pointed and said you come up here and pointed and repeated to the next few. He said that people were taking money out of their wallets and stuffing it into the hymnals. 

After everybody had come he asked two women to go and count the money. They had raised more than $7,000. 

We live in a country so blessed…

God and Paul are Punny

God definitely has a sense of humor… How else can you explain the duck-billed platypus?

In Philemon Paul talks about Onesimus who needs to be accepted after he had fallen out of grace… Philemon is challenged by Paul to set an example both as a man and brother in Christ… 

And then Paul lightens the atmosphere he says that anything owed… 

I, Paul, write this with my own hand: I will repay it.

Then Paul does a little tongue in cheek..

And I won’t mention that you owe me your very soul! 

And Paul gets in one last piece of fun… He writes: Yes, my brother, please do me this favor* for the Lord’s sake. Give me this encouragement in Christ

* In Greek favor is a play on the name Onesimus… It’s onaimen

Sometimes we take things way to seriously…

Laughter can be really is good for the soul… God tells us to rejoice! David danced with all his might… And Jonah? Now he had a story to tell at any get together! I never would have thought of a        WHALE for a       JAIL!!!

Is there anything that sounds cuter than a baby’s laugh? They give it 100% 

God isn’t all gloom and doom… He’s not sitting up in heaven with a lightening rod waiting for us to make a mistake so he can zap us… 

Even when going through some hard days laughter can be an escape… A funny cartoon… A joke… A pun…  YouTube videos…. Remembering something funny from your past…  How about the time… Or remember when?

I was in a room once when an elderly lady “let one rip” as she walked and bumped a potted tree… And in perfect timing the tree fell over… luckily she was pretty much deaf…

Most of God’s direction in the Bible has to do with instruction on living a better life with Him… 

But God did created laughter…

I’ve always wondered how it was when Adam was giving every creature a name… Did he ever get the giggles when some of them went by? 

And can you imagine how many scrolls Noah needed? He probably invented the catalogue system back then not to mention a sense of humor while checking his list… 

Let’s strive to find the fun and relaxation when we take our day of rest each week… 

On Sundays after church there was a show that played older movies like Abbot and Costello…. One of my favorites was Ma and Pa Kettle (Ma and Pa Kettle Math)

Those old black and white comedians… No swear words or bedroom scenes needed… Just plain old acting… 

So as we gather together, if not physically but in spirit, remember stories… Have the senior generation pass to the next generation happy and joyful memories… And while you are together… You are making a happy memory…

Also please think about people who will be having a not so joyous Christmas this year… Family dynamics have changed… empty chairs, new to your city and family far away… 

And please remember… Over the holidays, there are people who are having a mental health crisis… Hospitalized or on the streets… They belong to someone’s family… Be thankful it isn’t you…

Merry Christmas!

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Hello God… It’s About Time

God and I had a beyond incredible time today! The Holy Spirit was involved and if I thought I knew what what the Spirit groans for me was… I was floating in a rubber tube down a creek… Instead I was in the fastest boat… ever… my chest is still feeling it hours later… (Romans 8:27-28)

Back story… Sometimes life just seems to happen all at once… pressure from multiple areas of life… I battle with mental health issues and a brain injury as well as some physical aspects. Some days just suck… So I felt God telling me I needed to work on my integrity (my personal challenge started Nov 1/17… CR chips as accomplishments)

And there are really 2 well maybe 3 types of integrity…

  1. False humility type (people wanting to be seen for how close they are to God)
  2. Living a life of integrity but more like just doing it because they were told they should
  3. Really living out load… Actively trying, falling, learning why, getting up, dusting oneself off and get going again

In some areas I was wondering if I was more of a 2 than a 3 and a good smattering of 1…

So today was a good a time as any to spend quality time with God and see about getting more three’s…

We spent enough good time – I actually sent hubby a msg to eat out and come home later… I didn’t want it to end…

God was gracious but also fair in every aspect of what was dealt with…

I journaled while it was going on… I wrote something from my heart and mind and then, before I had finished writing, into my mind would come a Bible verse…

I would bring up something and really ask without a clue something would suddenly come… I’d still be finishing my part and be nodding as what I “hearing” was just the perfect response I needed… And I’d need another Kleenex…

We repeated this over and over again… I filled a lot of pages and used a good size box of Kleenex…

Just Hello God

I started with just “Hello God” and before I finished writing those 2 words I was crying…

And I felt Him say to me “It’s about time”…

The only thing that I will share is that:

I changed my journalling to more an actual talk… As if He was sitting across from me… But He wasn’t there… He was before, behind, holding me in the shadow of His hand…and in my heart…

Integrity How To Lesson

INTEGRITY… My new theme idea, goal, challenge, blue chip at CR…

So what is integrity? This word that God has laid strongly on my heart?

Definition of Integrity: “The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.”

“S/he is known to be a person of integrity S/he is known to be a wo/man of integrity

Synonyms: honesty, probity, rectitude, honor, good character, principle(s), ethics, morals righteousness, morality, virtue, decency, fairness scrupulousness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness

SYNONYMS DEFINED:

Rectitude: morally correct behavior or thinking:

Fairness: the quality of having strong moral principles; honesty and decency, impartial and just treatment or behavior without favoritism or discrimination.

Integrity – But just how can an intangible choice be physically manifested? Words are just words… Words can become actions… How do I know I’m succeeding?

Proverbs 2:1-7 My child, listen to what I say, and treasure my commands.

Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding.

Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding.

Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures.

Then you will understand what it means to fear {awe} the Lord, and you will gain knowledge of God.

For the Lord grants WISDOM!

From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.

Routine… Please don’t interrupt my routine or whatever was still left probably will be forgotten, unless it is blatantly the obvious… (Seriously I forget…)

Micah 6:8 O people, the Lord has told you what is good,
and this is what he requires of you:
to do what is right, to love mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God.

The what is good… I’ve been taught values and principles since I was a wee little one… so good, well Jesus is good (perfect, love, etc)… And for me…

Would I offer Him…

I’m going to use the measuring rod of… If Jesus walked into the room and saw/heard whatever was happening… Would I offer Him to join me or try to cover it up…

God also tells me that there are 3 things He requires of me…

1 Do what is right I have a great book with 66 chapters that came with me as an instruction manual if I’m not sure and spend time with Him (see point 3) (and the “Golden rule”)

2. Love mercy (Dictionary: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm)

Mercy… God has been very merciful in my life… Basically it’s was used when Jesus washed away my iniquities at the cross… and then over and over and over again when I deserved the consquences of my actions when I ask for new transgressions…

So to love mercy means I have to give it as well… The Lord’s Prayer… Forgive us our trespasses as WE (I) forgive others

3. Walk humbly with Him He’s been so merciful to me… He is love… He tells me that “I” matter to Him… Realistically… I don’t deserve even being in the same universe as Him… And I need to keep reminding myself of this… God deserves all the glory

Integrity: My challenge… I’ve put down my thoughts, they may need adjusting…

I’m setting the wall high… I can’t remember who said it but it was something like it’s better to be reaching for a high goal then a small one that’s easy to hit…

More integrity coming in future blogs…

Nudges

My sweet pooch, Ivory, would love to play outside all day except on really raining days… Unfortunately for her she needs to be with someone to watch her and my life gets in her way…

But when it’s time to do what must be “done” she gives me a nudges with her nose and until I put down or cease to do what I’m doing and she keeps nudging me until I start moving towards the door…

She follows me to the door and when I put my shoes on jacket on she eagerly starts going around in circles all the time watching me make sure I’m still getting ready… open the door and we are off!!!

As a Christian I, like anyone else, have the gift Jesus sent down shortly after he ascended to heaven… The Holy Spirit… I think of it as my Godly conscience, a connection to God with prayers, direction and decisions – even when I can’t utter a word because I’m overwhelmed for fabulous and not so fabulous reasons…

HE IS WHAT NUDGES ME

That inner (good inner) voice “speaks” with easy tasks like I should take my coat along even though it’s a sunny day… And sure enough it rains or gets cooler than expected or big decisions, life altering ones (not snap though).

Four years ago the bottom of my life was falling away. As a child, as a teen and as an adult years I would have spurts where I was closer to God, usually during the tough times… 

The Holy Spirit always nudges me in every situation… He probably pounded a bass drum, a fog horn, but I wasn’t listening, I was building with MY self-worth… I ignored Him…

When I hit the bottom I had a choice seek His help or just stay there and figure out a successful suicide…

God pulled me up… I’ve need really tuning into God…

Integrity… And being true to myself with myself and I will share my progress on my blog to show myself as accountable…

My daily marker will be did I at least try? I know there will be days I fall flat on my face… Failure, though, will be in not getting up again… I may not blog every day…

Integrity… I started November 1 I wasn’t yet sure of criteria yet… But I’ve had a lot of nudges that I’ve listened to, some I haven’t but

#1 I didn’t quit (huge accomplishment)

#2 I admitted my slips and made amends

Next came some trials… A sore back which interfered me being away from CR big group and Step Sisters…

My Mental Health… I’m pushing through… It’s a struggle…

E V E R Y D A Y

I want to isolate, stay home, in bed… wrong thoughts coming at me…

Out came my daily accountability checklist… And I started going through it…

#1 Morning prayers… Thanking God… The armor of God – piece by piece… Other verses…

And I keep going down my list… Check box by check box…

When I am done, I have a lot of peace… I have Christian songs running in my head blocking out the negative thought. I put on Christian music…

And right now routine is needed:

I’m dealing with a situation/something in my life… Obviously, I wish I wasn’t… and it could turn out to be nothing or else something not if my choosing… And would be more than I can handle… and I will be listening for the Holy Spirit nudges

Huggles and loves and prayers…

Love and Like and Billy Graham

There have been days where I have loved some people but not liked them… my love doesn’t shrink… As I watch from a distance my heart sorrows for them…

From today’s devotions:

“Loving God and living fully for Him are not necessarily synonymous…”

I’m human… imperfect… I still have a piece of that fruit stuck in me… The “one” great- great x 1,000,000 grandparents sampled way back in the Garden…

But just because I love God, it doesn’t mean I’m fully living for Him…

I have frequent personal pity parties…

I have days where I’m really frustrated… You know those days where everything seems to be going wrong. Some days I can laugh about it other days I’m very frustrated and angry.

There are days when I’m angry, angry at God, angry at the world, and I have a major internal (quite BPD no emotions outward) hissy fit…

Until finally I decide, I choose to turn back to God and His word and His ways and to trust in Him…

I know He is love. I know He loves me and that I matter to Him… That he has a plan for me… And I do my Phil 4:4-9

Together God and I go on a trip back in history and I am reminded of times where I trusted Him. We go with some memories (I can remember on my own) or from pictures, through shared memories, or reading back in my journals… (gotta just love a brain injury PLUS mental health… (I have a great memory… just short)…

Then I remember that when things are beyond what I can handle, I allow Himto bring me in and cuddle me and I get to sit there and watch how He deals with whatever it is for me.

Does it mean I’m cured? Well not now it seems… . Maybe sometime later with God… Maybe never…

God knows and He knows what is coming… He has a plan… He uses imperfect people like me…

Who will be touched by my blog…

We all can look at Billy Graham and the incredible impact he personally he had…

Maybe it was just one thing that changed his heart…

So I may not touch the “next Billy Graham” but what if I do because of where I am right now…

For me, someone passing away saved me… then I started down the road and real recovery…

Makes ya think doesn’t it?

If Only

I’m currently doing the 12-step program Celebrate Recovery offers. It’s actually my third time. Every time I do there’s always something more that God can work on with me.

We’re dealing with the lesson on POWERLESS – an acrostic on how we really need to depend on God and for God’s help with the issue… it looks at the past…

If only…. Only If…

Only if
I had noticed _____ the _____ would/wouldn’t have happened
If only I had known _____ that day I wish I could take back my words
That time spent would have been successful only if _______
If only I had done this or only if I had seen this or only if I had been there or only if somebody had…
You get the idea…

With my mental health… If only I had talked to _____ or done ______ or not done _____ then maybe I wouldn’t have had my mental breakdown.
(see true life confession at the bottom)

Hindsight is 20/20… We all make decisions we regret… A child thinks if only I hadn’t climbed that tree my arm wouldn’t have broken…

So do I how to deal with the “if only’s”

It’s simple but incredibly hard…

  • I repent
  • I talk to God… prayer…
  • I listen to God through Bible studying
  • Learn from them my if only or only if”
  • Ask God to help me to avoid doing it again
  • I talk to my sponsor accountability partners
  • I make amends

There will be consequences… (not judgements – boy tree > broken arm)
But also peace with God from spending time with God… Be still, and know that I am God Psalm 46:10
Phil 4:4-8 …Peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart in Christ Jesus…

Back to POWERLESS (CR acrostic)

P is pride yah… I had lots of pride… which lead to many “if only”

O Only if… It’s really easy for me to play the self-bashing game… Instead,  I confess to God, He already knows what I did so what’s the benefit of hiding it, He can help me understand why and guides me to what I should do next time or to make amends with those who were affected by my actions…

Worry… Both backwards and forwards… Back… I can stay trapped in the past… Forward… Is God involved? So I just need to trust His plan (it’s called faith)

In going to end the acrostic here… Want to learn more? Find a Celebrate Recovery

Battling the if only or only if is better done with support…

Thinking about doing it does seem easy… It’s the application that is soooo hard…

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Okay that above is a battle plan… seems easy simple steps… I know the application is hard and I need the Holy Spirit to give me a nudge or a kick in the butt when I need to use it…

Honestly – it is what I want to do with my heart… that’s the God part of my life – but there is a carnal part of me that just SCREAMS to ignore it – excuse it away (excuse = the skin of truth stuffed with a lie), the self I have inside will distract me… I will think of ways to “justify” my reasoning to ______

The New Testament talks a lot about the sinful person I have inside… It can block the butt kicks… I might feel them or I have not listened long enough to the Spirit in me that I don’t feel them…

This was pretty much what happened in my life… I stopped listening to God… could I have avoided the mental health crisis? I don’t know that what I am dealing with is VERY physical – my brain is literally changed  – why or how or ??? I’m not 100% sure… it’s a disease… why does someone end up being a diabetic? Was it one too many cookies or cakes? Could they have prevented it? Regardless…
Regardless – I am where I am… it wasn’t sudden – there were clues it was happening… it started early on in my life… it’s where I am… This is where God and I try hard to keep moving forward…

Besides…. 

If there isn’t a battle going on – there should be and I need to seek God again… life happens – living it is the hard part….

(CR… I have no affiliation with them other than acknowledging how profound a has changed my life)