My BPD story… so far…

I figure it’s time to update this page… I wrote the bottom part is 2014… so 5 years ago…

A lot of taken place since then… after a few admissions and med trials… the right combo for me was worked out…

But the biggest thing was – Celebrate Recovery – my recovery was from trying to live a life without God… and by late 2013 I could no longer do it – that was very clear…

I’ve come a LONG way… I’m “stable”… and life is good… I don’t have “big crisis” moments but mental health, at least for now, is something I keep in check on a daily basis…

I have the same wonderful and very supportive husband – we have a crazy little dog – Ivory – who entertains us…

I have the support and love of my family – and through Celebrate Recovery I have developed a great support network… and it goes two way… CR is not just drugs or alcohol recovery – but also gambling, pornography, mental health issues, food addiction – one BIG one is co-dependency… recovery from abuse of which there are many types… grief… divorce… too many things to list…

I hope you find God speaking to you through my blog – I like to think I am just His fingers and the words are His… I write from my own life… my own beliefs – but keep in mind that I am fallible…

Comments are always welcome


2014 Entry

I have been diagnosed with BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder – the moniker doesn’t fit the diagnosis. Marsha M. Linehan has suggested it be renamed Emotional Dysregulation Disorder. There are something like 250 different possible ways to be diagnosed based on the varying criteria. Mainly there are 2 types – outwardly emotional – anger and rage – explosive personalities & inwardly emotional or quiet BPD’ers. I’m the later. I internalize all my emotions.

I have internalized them – read stuffed them – for so long that it’s really hard for me to label them. Numb is safe. Don’t react was a coping skill used – the fear was – if I reacted I could make the situation even worse – I couldn’t cry nor could I defend – so I became numb and stuffed… until there was no room left to stuff…

Most with BPD are diagnosed in their teens or 20’s… I’m an outlier I guess as I’m in my 40’s… but looking back – the signs were there – and being the quiet BPD – I think it’s harder to diagnose… My faith in God – and I always knew He was there… kept me alive during my teens… I was suicidal… but I couldn’t find a verse in the Bible which said if I did kill myself I would still get to heaven – so I just kept going…

I found an escape… I got married… had 3 kids… ended up in a divorce… was a single mom for 3 years… and at times on the weekends I couldn’t get out of bed… I would leave cereal for my kids on the table and had portions of milk for them in the fridge… I thought at the time it was just exhaustion – now I think it was depression… I can also look back to days when I was married the first time and there were similar shorter episodes…

Then I met my second husband… we are still married 20 years and counting… He has been amazing… and the for better or worse – I got the better – he got the worse… in 1997 I was injured and fractured my skull – and had a brain injury – but back then – before Sydney Crosby had his concussion and the world woke up to the severity – there was no acknowledgment… he saw me though some rough times… and finally 10 years later I had seemingly worked everything out…

Two years later my body said – nope – here is a health issue… it was a weird one – 2 years later the doctors still didn’t know what it was… and my routine was work (with accommodations) and sleep on the weekends and repeat – there was no time for church… until January 2014… then my brain said – enough… deal with it…

Back in June of 2014 a friend and I had been at a women’s seminar and on the way home we debriefed – she said the top 3 things she got out of the seminar and then it was my turn – I said that I thought I might be a good leader – and she said might? She said – you are – I want to hear you say you are… for any of you old enough to remember Happy Days it was like I was Fonzie trying to say he was wrong – I couldn’t get the words out – literally… they got stuck! I realized then I need to deal with something… I started seeing a counselor.

In November there was a family incident that I internalized – and it sent me spiraling into depression – I increased my counseling hoping to stave off the dark hole…

A physical issue in mid December push me further down… my anxiety was skyrocketing… I called in oppression… I was having problems speaking – aphasia… it grew and it grew…

January 3 I arrived at work 15 min early… and I sat in my car – the feeling of oppression was so incredibly overwhelming that I couldn’t make myself get out of my car… I tried and tried… and finally I made it from my car to my work area – 15 minutes late… I logged into a computer and a coworker ask me a question and I gave her a response – and then I clearly remember thinking to myself – here I am answering a simple question and she has no idea I want to kill myself… and at that moment I knew I needed serious help… I called my manager and sought out medical help…

Over the next 9 months I would be admitted to hospital 3 times and a short stay treatment facility 3 times (2 weeks)…

I did a depression group therapy, an anxiety group therapy and was just starting a DBT primer group when my world changed…

My parents were in a serious car accident in mid-October… both were critically injured… mom was mostly broken bones… dad was at first deemed to only have relatively minor injuries… but dad isn’t your typical person – he was severely injured 26 years earlier and as a result doesn’t process pain like we do… so we started to notice some things – and they would take him back to x-ray and yes – that was broken – finally they did a body CT and found out he had an aortic arch tear – 5 hours after arriving at the hospital… most people with that injury die before arriving at the ER – when the DX came he was sent to a trauma hospital while mom was still critical at our local hospital – some of our family went with dad and I stayed with mom – I kissed my dad and thought I was kissing him for the last time…

Mom is home… alone… dad not only had the chest trauma but also suffered another brain injury… he has the body movement of an infant… and the mental capacity of a young child – he can talk – usually 1 word at a time… and he has a trachea, he lost his gag reflex so he needs suctioning several times a day… he’s a medical miracle… they said he wouldn’t wake up – but he did… they said he would be 100% dependant on his respirator – but he got off it during the day – but “never during the night” – but again he did… small miracles… 2x pneumonia and 1x MRSA… he’s tough for being 80…

After a month the stress finally caught up and I ended up in the short stay treatment again for 2 weeks… my 4th time in 2014…

In May of 2014 I was at my lowest… I was very suicidal…my thoughts were all negative… I really wanted to die and I was convinced the world would be better off without me – yes, my family, my adult children, my husband would be better off… I was admitted to hospital… on the 2nd day I was there I wrote my suicide note on my phone. All they had to do was push the on button, touch the screen and it was there…next I took the plastic covered hospital pillow and my heavy foam pillow and placed them over my face… I was crying (something I rarely do) and I tried to suffocate myself… it’s hard to do without drugs I found out… your built in instinct to breath kicks in… I was so disappointed…

Two days later a couple I knew were celebrating his 60th birthday party – he was terminally ill and in the same hospital – by then I was in my street clothes and allowed to leave the ward… so I figured I would go and say hi quickly… while I was there another old friend saw me – spotted my arm band and took me aside… she hugged me… really hugged me… and invited me to something she called CR at her church (which we had attended in the past)…

On May 25, 2014 I was discharged… May 27, 2014 I went to my first CR meeting – CR stands for Celebrate Recovery (USA) or Celebrate Recovery (CA) – a Christian 12 step program for anyone dealing with anything from depression to addiction, co-dependency to grief, abuse to self-hatred – literally any hurt, habit or hangup…

I went week after week – It wasn’t always easy to go… sometimes I would struggle to make myself get out of the car and go in… at first I barely spoke to anyone… I wouldn’t sing… I wouldn’t share anything… but I was loved on and accepted.. I could be me – I could take off my mask…

They saw me through my admission to the treatment center in September – some came to visit… same with my stay in December… they were there when I needed a prayer between meetings or needed someone to talk to… and they understood… or if they didn’t – they listened and they prayed…

12 of us together did an intensive 12 step together… it took us 10 months… they are my step sisters now – we laughed, we sighed, we cried, we just were… and now we just are… bonded by memories…

Those 12 saw me through another admission in April-May of 2015… more med adjustments… after more stresses… a move, elective surgery, our dog being put down after a brief illness…

We completed our 12 step in June… I was started to feel stronger… my mental health therapy was started to click in a bit… and spiritually I was also awakening…

In July I completed the DBT primer class – 30 lessons… lots of tools… good tools… lol – if I remember to use them…

But most importantly in early July God and I had a great talk… a breakthrough… but that will be for another blog another day…

For now – know that I am doing okay – I take each day at a time…sometimes each moment at a time… some days are better than others… some days are good… CR has made a HUGE difference… no – make that God has made a huge difference…

Thanks for reading… BPD isn’t a death sentence… with God it can be a wonderful and enjoyable life…

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