An INcomfortable Borg

This summer by all normal standards has been a “good” summer… Successful Airbnb rentals…

Total redo of our yard… goodbye grass and hello patio and gravel…

An unexpected arranging of a trip to Africa – and WestJet points to only pay the taxes and airport fees!!!!!!

Lots of joyous events right?

With the yard project, I did a LOT of work… I did as much as I could to save hubby from having to do things that would cause him pain… We finished it at noon on a Saturday and I had friends coming at 2…

I was “proud”… We had a good time… Told stories… Laughed…

This might sound weird… But I spent time laughing and sharing, which was great, but some of the time I’m wondering why I don’t feel more? The laughing was real… The friendship appreciated…

It was like the exhilaration over finishing our yard work should have been a massive high 5… But inside it was more like a sloppy, little effort hand connection…

I found an article this week that gave me some relief and insight… when I read it – it was like someone had read a lot of my mind… Anhenonia The whole watching my life as if I was watching a TV show… I’ve used that analogy often…

In discussion with a friend – she was trying to understand – she asked if I was uncomfortable… and my honest answer was no… I feel INcomfortable… (new word)…

INcomfortable… it’s knowing I “should” be hitting a level 10 on an emotion but really only hitting a 2 or 3 – and I know something is off… and often I’m not sure I really care…

Well, I must care some as I’m writing this posting and think about it…

Trying to help her understand how I could picture my life – I’m a Borg drone… sometimes just walking through life…

Why and how have I become a Borg? I’m not sure that actually matters… I can’t go back and change it… What’s important is that I keep moving forward but walking the path that God has laid out for me…

Psalms 119:105 Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.

Jer 29:11 & 12 “For I know the plans I have for you, ” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on my and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

With Celebrate Recovery you can go there and not have to wear a mask… it’s been hard to motivate myself to go… but I’m going to go and continue to go… and attend church and a church Bible study… even in drone mode…

With being INcomfortable comes LOW energy… and heightened anxiety… easier to feeling overwhelmed… and wanting to hibernate (yup MDD, GAD and BPD have ramped up)… so it’s a battle… but I have God on my side…

Psalms 23 (King James Version)
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

God’s rod and staff are His word and the Holy Spirit guiding me – they nudge me and they are powerful weapons to keep the enemy away…

 

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