Ugh!!! Morning Glory!!!

Hosea 9:6b Their treasures of silver will be taken over by briers, and thorns will overrun their tents.

Morning Glory… It looks pretty hence the name… To me it represents all that is NOT actually glory… It’s a horrible take over my garden, I have arrived and I don’t ever plan on leaving weed! Just 0.25-inch root is ALL it takes to start blooming again… It’s root can run 14 ft and 4 inches down…

It is nasty… My evergreen tree is totally brown and dead as it is located in an area we only notice a few times a year… but there it is… ruined… Just like the verse says…

With mental health, there are many seldom seen areas… Some we don’t yet know exist, which is fine, God will shine His light and truth when the time is right…

They are areas we totally avoid because we choose to ignore them… They are painful… They can be something we actually choose to cling to… To try and show the world what was done… Or hold onto because we don’t know of anything else to do…

But just like the weed… So much bigger and “mightier” than the pretty package we have become ensnared by… It will stop us from moving forward…

The past few days our church has been blessed to have a special man of God speaking… He has spoken into the lives of many and been 100% dead on about what their lives have been but more importantly, where their lives are heading… Seriously… I’ve been sitting back smiling and nodding my head as he describes them then our pastor will explain to the prophet and the assembly what the person does or is known for…

One verse he has used over and over is Romans 12:2 (NKJV): And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Renewing of my mind… Prove… Good acceptable… Perfect will of God…

The mind games… Even the “silent” mind games… Doing things out of habit…

Charlie, our speaker, told us 1 truth…

Doubt kills more than failure…

Mental health… Doubt? They are brother and sister…

The definition of insanity… Doing the same thing over and over again BUT expecting different results…

If I want to change the ending, I MUST change the script! AKA renewing of my mind…

Is it easy? Ahhh… No!

Can I do it? By myself? No… With God though… Yes!

What if I mess up? Get up, dust off and move forward…

I’ve been struggling with my mental health issues more lately… Let me give you a back story first…

About 5 years ago I was just starting into my mental health crisis… I had what I called oppression attacks… They seem hell-bent and were so overpowering I would not have wished them on anyone…

Over the last few, I have stabilized for the most point…

Then this past spring I was battling oppressive attacks, not as strong, again… I described it as having an elephant squished inside my chest and it also trying to squeeze God out…

One Saturday afternoon I was to get together with a wonderful bunch of church ladies and I was nailed again… I sent an I can’t make it text and then I started reading my devotions… Psalm 109 has attributes of God and I claimed every single one! And just like a balloon popped! The pressure was 100% GONE!!!

I was speechless! I have lived most of my life with pressure inside… This was a totally new experience!

The pressure is still gone…

So my battles are mostly different…

I now need to figure out what goes into the “empty” space…

I’ve had episodes of being overwhelmed at times, which is totally new…

I’ve been dealing with the 5 years issue… and feelings of not being contributing to the world…

And of course, the never-ending daily battle of mental health… just always so close at hand… I have to be vigilant

God has given me 3 visions for options:

With the always present MH – simply – Put on the armor of God as soon as I wake up…

The empty space – I planted the everso quoted mustard seed – it won’t grow overnight into a massive plant – It will take time to properly fill in this void…

The 5 years – instead of looking negatively – I now look at how FAR I have come because of God’s love…

So the “morning glory” which has entangled me for far too long is getting de-rooted, dug out and replaced… I’m learning to recognize it more and more – quicker… but even if I don’t for a while – it’s not like I’m watering it!!

God and I will get to it all in good time!!

And I will replace it with glory to God instead!!!!

An INcomfortable Borg

This summer by all normal standards has been a “good” summer… Successful Airbnb rentals…

Total redo of our yard… goodbye grass and hello patio and gravel…

An unexpected arranging of a trip to Africa – and WestJet points to only pay the taxes and airport fees!!!!!!

Lots of joyous events right?

With the yard project, I did a LOT of work… I did as much as I could to save hubby from having to do things that would cause him pain… We finished it at noon on a Saturday and I had friends coming at 2…

I was “proud”… We had a good time… Told stories… Laughed…

This might sound weird… But I spent time laughing and sharing, which was great, but some of the time I’m wondering why I don’t feel more? The laughing was real… The friendship appreciated…

It was like the exhilaration over finishing our yard work should have been a massive high 5… But inside it was more like a sloppy, little effort hand connection…

I found an article this week that gave me some relief and insight… when I read it – it was like someone had read a lot of my mind… Anhenonia The whole watching my life as if I was watching a TV show… I’ve used that analogy often…

In discussion with a friend – she was trying to understand – she asked if I was uncomfortable… and my honest answer was no… I feel INcomfortable… (new word)…

INcomfortable… it’s knowing I “should” be hitting a level 10 on an emotion but really only hitting a 2 or 3 – and I know something is off… and often I’m not sure I really care…

Well, I must care some as I’m writing this posting and think about it…

Trying to help her understand how I could picture my life – I’m a Borg drone… sometimes just walking through life…

Why and how have I become a Borg? I’m not sure that actually matters… I can’t go back and change it… What’s important is that I keep moving forward but walking the path that God has laid out for me…

Psalms 119:105 Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.

Jer 29:11 & 12 “For I know the plans I have for you, ” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on my and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

With Celebrate Recovery you can go there and not have to wear a mask… it’s been hard to motivate myself to go… but I’m going to go and continue to go… and attend church and a church Bible study… even in drone mode…

With being INcomfortable comes LOW energy… and heightened anxiety… easier to feeling overwhelmed… and wanting to hibernate (yup MDD, GAD and BPD have ramped up)… so it’s a battle… but I have God on my side…

Psalms 23 (King James Version)
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

God’s rod and staff are His word and the Holy Spirit guiding me – they nudge me and they are powerful weapons to keep the enemy away…

 

Remember Job?

Job 18:17 (NLT): All memory of their existence will fade from the earth,
No one will remember their names.

Job… The one man in the entire Bible who really had the right to complain…

I’m coming up on 5 years.. FIVE.. half a decade of being off work, 5 years ago I started dealing with a mental health crisis…

1, 2, 3 years seemed a long time and 4 just seemed to sneak in and out…

But 5? Five seems like the sinking of the Titanic!

I think we all want purpose in our lives… We like tangible accomplishments… Things we can sit back and say… See that? I was part of making that… Oh and over there? I did that myself! And say, you know that idea Jane had, I was involved with her planning that…

I know that I have an ego… I wanted to look back and see my creations…

This summer hubby and I had a big project, well big for us at least…

A total makeover of our yard… Grass (think weeds) gone… Gravel and patio in…

This project became very important to me for several reasons…

For the past decade I have dealt with some serious health issues and I actually couldn’t exercise for a few years (doctor’s report of proof)… When I lost a lot of weight I was able to regain some health…

Then there was the mental health aspect… Isolation… Depression… The suicidal thoughts, the massive anxiety attacks (so bad I would not wish them on anyone)… Even last summer I could not have participated as I have…

And hubby… My faithful hubby… He has some medical owies he just lives with… So when we took on this project I chose to do as much as I physically could to spare him as much as possible…

One of my health issues was a brain injury 20+ years ago… Mix in mental health and I can get overwhelmed or confused… I can have troubles with linear thinking… And I am a 100% well, maybe 95% klutz…

My klutz showed up big time last night… I really wanted to do one step of the makeover myself… And it just wasn’t happening… hubby came to the rescue… and boom… I started crying… And I rarely cry… My thinking started to swirl… I was frustrated and upset and feeling like an idiot… Like a failure (yet again)…

A talk with hubby and text session with a friend helped…

They reminded me of all the positive changes… It’s so easy to remember only the negative…

Physically I’ve been working on the klutz stuff for 2 or so years with a kinesiologist and there have been big improvements… Especially in the past 2 months… I couldn’t have done as much as I have on this project even 3 months ago…

I have survived the darkest days… I still deal with mental health but I’m not at a crisis anymore (accept for a few pity parties now and then)…

Matthew 24:35 (NIV): Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away…

God is what I need…

God’s words are full of love of faith of hope… Of compassion or grace… Of healing…

They may not be tangible outside, but they are real enough inside…

Oh and Job?

Everyone does remember his name. His 3 “friends” were clueless men who thought they were spiritual giants… We only remember them as idiots…

The World is FLAT!?!?

I’ve blogged about Job before… It’s an interesting read BUT if not read with understanding can really throw a monkey’s wrench in!

Basically, the Devil wants to argue with God that his “special” Job will curse God if all he holds dear is taken away… first his children and his wealth… and then his health…

Then 3 of his “friends” come and “discuss” with Job and accuse him of unrepentant sin – as the reason why and try to validate their points… Job 15:18 is one of these:

Job 15:18 (NLT): And it is confirmed by the reports of wise men
who have heard the same thing from their fathers—

Just because someone who “should” be wise says something doesn’t make it TRUE!! Truth needs to come from the word of God – not the “wisdom” of man…

Statements like Job’s friend make can really derail a person’s beliefs and mess with an already confusing and deplorable situation… remember – it was confirmed by men that THE EARTH WAS FLAT for how many centuries – they use to bleed people, literally cut, and let some blood drain out) as a hopeful cure to whatever ailed them…

Just because it has been said doesn’t make it 100% right!!!

Being part of God’s family isn’t a “get of out hardship” ticket… there are no easy ways of life and only 3 certain things that will always remain –

1 Cor 13:13 (NIV) And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love…

Of course, we have the one absolute! God loves us – and His son died for us…

So if people are trying to convince you that you had your mental health “coming” or you deserved it – don’t believe it – any more than you would believe the world is flat… Seek answers in God’s word… I know that many times I have found what I have needed in my daily Bible reading… or in Psalm or Proverb… even sometimes in just a few verses from my devotions… God knows where my head and heart are at… He only wants to provide GOOD for me…

I have started a collection of verses that have caught my eye each day – and sometimes going back and looking them over is such a blessing… it can really lift my soul…

I also have a rejoice of the day… anything from a sunny day, snuggles with my dog, watching a movie with hubby, thanking God for dealing with a situation…