Unique and Used

I have had an interesting life. The way I even got my brain injury is unique… One of my friends exclaimed “only you could be injured that way!”

As you all know I have mental health issues that I deal with…

I also have dealt with other big issues…

And I know the pain of losing a parent…

The last couple of years I’ve not been able to get to church or Celebrate Recovery meetings, either by weather conditions or physically, due to mental health but mostly through illness…

Including Dec 24, 2017 I slipped on ice and landed on my tailbone… again…

And a surgery last month…

Ok back to to the point…

I’ve been trying to just walk and talk life as it’s been happening… Trying to stick with my words of challenge, Integrety & Perseverance… And I’ve rejoiced many many times and had peace incredible peace and times with God…

Until a week ago… Shall we say the straw that broke the donkey’s back landed…

I had a phone call, and after I hung up, I YELLED at God, I mean I REALLY yelled! I was yelling at him saying I KNOW I CAN’T ASK WHY! I KNOW I CAN’T ASK WHY!

I felt singled out… alone… Totally alone as NO ONE out there understood me!

A brain injury, abuse, mental health, physical health, and grieving the death of a parent…

My dad has been gone for awhile now… But the heart still is grieving

But that phone call… It’s really been too much! I thought I’d given everything as my life my life was chaotic and I’d recognized this already… I’d already cried “uncle” that I was in a place far greater than I could handle… I needed God intervene in the situations and left them…

And then I found there was something I hadn’t…

I’ve had a visual place in my mind during my mental health crisis…

A dark endless void with a small young girl sitting on a ledge… And with God’s help I had come into the light… But I found I was hanging on to something…

I was beyond scared… I felt that if I let go I would be like the astronaut who floats away into darkness, beyond help…

I knew then that there was something but honestly didn’t know what it was…

The second “loud” session I figured out what is was… I should have thought of it sooner as it’s always the inner self and lies….

It was PRIDE

God and I ended without yelling but instead rejoicing…

Last night was our Celebrate Recovery big group meeting. I was soooo looking forward to it and then God put up a road block…

From habit I was at first trying the pitty me route… God I should be going… Right? I mean come on! I only want to serve! I want to be needed…

God put into my mind that the Apostle Paul waited 3 years after his conversion before starting his ministry… So a notch off the pride…

And then I resigned to being home and accepted it… Prayed sorry to God…

One of the reasons for going to CR is the giving… It really is better to give than take. To see the changes in people.. I am so much more glad lately and not prideful… After all it’s all about God’s glory!

But…

Later on, past when CR was happening, I got an out of the blue call from someone who needed to talk…

They have a brain injury and mental health issues, physical issues, abuse and a parent just who passed away…

God bless the road blocks!

I was where God needed me to be… I was needed after all last night… In God’s way…

And I was awed, privileged and rejoicing…

1 Tim 1:12 I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do His work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve Him

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