Carved on Human Hearts

2 Corinthians 3:3
Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God.
It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on
human hearts. (NLT)

People who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have a real problem with self acknowledgement. We seek it from other people who we respect or are in a position of authority. We crave attention – sometimes to the point of danger. We can(?) get jealous of anyone we perceive as getting attention instead of us. We self deprecate ourselves – for both real &/or perceived reasons. We can go to any length if we are feeling abandonment, rejection or we are disappointing someone. And I mean ANY length.
(BPD has a suicide rate of 1/10)

In elementary school I tried to get my self-worth from teachers during and after school helping them… In Jr. High I joined the library club.

One gift I do possess is music. I had 3 piano teacher who told my parents I would never be able to learn. They were wrong. In elementary school I played the cello and completed the entire program the first year. A couple of years later I started playing the organ (it was really cool back then) and found success winning some festivals. In high-school I started playing the bass guitar and my success continued. In grade twelve I was ranked the top bass player in the province and offered scholarships to universities.

Music was one escape…  It was something I was good at and I worked hard to not disappoint my family…

I was married shortly after a I graduated and began building my self-esteem on my external world.  For a while I was too busy to look heavenward. I was a good person. Attending church (check), Tithing (check), helping with tasks at church (check), a good mom (check), a wife (check)… I was even working to help the budget even after the children were born.

My brain said enough!!!

The older I got, the further away I drifted from God – and the bigger the hole inside grew. It grew to the point where my brain said enough!!!
And I entered into the mental health world…  I was diagnosed with BPD, (GAD) General Anxiety Disorder and (MDD) Major Depressive Disorder…

my straw had landed… 

Why then? As the saying goes – there is a final straw that goes on the donkeys back… my straw had landed…

BPD = lack of sense of myself… looking to my external world to figure out who I am while having a BIG hole inside…

I was flat on my back about as low as I could go (I had attempted suicide) and facing God… I realized I was powerless and needed God’s help if I was going to survive… He was there and started on taking the correct path with Him… being a REAL Christian… dependent on Him

Being a Christian = who I am in Christ – I am a new creation – the old is gone.

I have the Spirit of the living God carved on my heart

Is everyday perfect? No. There are many days where I find myself looking up while I’m on my back – but I’m not on the bottom – I’m further up the trail… I can look back and see where I was… and God is always there waiting to help me continue my journey…

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