Time…

It’s been over a year since my last post… a lot can happen in a year… and in some ways time can seem to stand still… I’m not where I was a year ago… I am closer to God again… and I’m enjoying that… I have a better support system in place… and I’ve needed it… I’ve spent time in a pre-hospital mental health facility 3 times… and one short stint in the hospital… 2 of the stays were following an accident involving my parents which in time took a toll on me… other stresses came as well – moving, elective surgery and our beloved dog having to be put down – all within a month or so… 2 months later was my most recent stay…

God has been good though – He has proven faithful!

How can this be? Well – God promised He would be with us as we walk through the valleys – He didn’t say we wouldn’t have to go through them – just that He would be there… and He has been…

I have been attending Celebrate Recovery at our church since May of 2014… I have loved it there… oh – there were times when I sat in my car and had to force myself to go in when I first started… and then I barely spoke a word… my anxiety was through the roof at times… my mood so low at times… but they loved me – and loved on me… and welcomed me – UNCONDITIONALLY… they saw me through my admissions and came to visit and pray… they were there when I needed to text or talk… or needed prayer…

I did a weekly 12-Step with them… those ladies were there in week until we were done… we laughed – we cried – we persevered – we learned – we grew – we became sisters… it took 10 months as there were 12 of us… sharing took a long time… but we didn’t mind… The 12 step is based off of the AA 12 step BUT it adds in 8 principles based on God’s word – and that’s what makes the difference – and what makes it last and allows a permanent change… you get out of it what you put into it…

Am I cured? In a simple word – no, but I’m not where I was either… I still have my ups and downs… my struggles… I have quite a ways to go yet I think… lots to learn… I’m still taking group classes for mental health and learning lots of coping skills – and learning more about myself… I’m getting closer to God – and learning more about who I am in Christ… that can be another whole blog in itself!

I’m not currently in crisis so I’m not at the bottom of the valley – I’m not at the top of the mountain either – I’m somewhere between… trying to find a good balance… trying to be a friend to those who need support – and leaning a bit on others who offer… some friends are symbiotic… and then there is my husband… so faithful – so patient – so loving… and giving… and… and… loyal… He knows me better than I know myself in many ways – he can just read me most of the time and see before I do when I am having a harder time… I am SOOO blessed… God sent me an angel here on earth…

Time – it can go fast – or it can go slow… it depends on your perspective and your situation… when you have a cranky baby you can’t wait for them to go to sleep… but suddenly it seems they are 25 and you wonder where the time went…

Time can be a friend or it can be an enemy… when you are young you have your whole life ahead of you it seems… as you age time seems to get faster… it can be easy to put off doing something with loves ones as there seems to be enough time still… and then time becomes your enemy… it can suddenly halt… an illness or accident… or time merely slipped away like grains of sand from our hands… and now there isn’t enough time left to make up for the times you wished you had…

Take advantage of the time you have – cherish it… nearly 27 years ago my dad was in an accident which left him like a 10 year old in many ways… I was 21 at the time – just at the age where I could start to appreciate the man he really was… we reversed roles… I’ve missed the man he was and many, many times I have longed to be able to ask for his opinion or just sit down and talk with him… this second accident has left him in an even greater reduced capacity… cognitively and physically… he can still talk a bit through his trachea… but he will never walk again – or sit up by himself again… or even enjoy a cup of his beloved Timmy’s… the rest of his time on earth will be in a hospital or a high level care home… he’s made it to 80 though – and nearly 81… he wasn’t really conscious for his 80th birthday last year… time will tell if we get to celebrate 81 – or celebrate my parent’s 59th wedding anniversary in a month… I’m hopeful though – he’s doing good right now… but we know it can change in a second…

My dad and I now have a new ritual – every time I go to leave after a visit – I kiss my hand and then put it to his lips – and he kisses it back… I cherish those few seconds of time – I never know when it could be our last time…

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