How can you be depressed?!?!?

The other day at group therapy we were discussing on how people seem to think that depression “MUST” be gone the first time you laugh or crack a joke… yes, depressed people can still laugh and joke around… and giggle… and thank God we can – or the results might be horrendous. 

I liken it to this – when people go to a funeral it is a “SAD” event – then usually there is a reception or a wake or a celebration of life – and someone will tell a funny story about the dearly departed and people will laugh or giggle… does that mean that the sadness of the passing of a loved one is over? The mourning is finished? Of course not! 

But when it comes to depression – the opposite seems to be the standard belief… 

Believe it or not – I don’t lie around on the couch everyday (just some days) and I don’t hide in the house (at least not when my depression has lessened)… I don’t spend all day crying or moaning… 

Most days I get up, get showered, take my medications and do what I can each day… 

I can be “just fine” in the morning but more depressed at night… 

I can be driving and singing along with the music and suddenly have suicidal thoughts (aka invasive thoughts)…. like the other day – all was fine… I was waiting to turn left after an 18 wheeler (which was booking it) passed me and voila! Out of no where I’m thinking, yup – I could turn now and… well – you will get the rest… 

Meetings – I have chaired a few meetings since my diagnosis and I have done well (or so I am told)… then afterwards I crash and burn for a couple of days… I have used up a lot of energy in order to be able to chair in prep work – and then in actually chairing the meetings (BTW my caseworker & psychiatrist both support my volunteer work)… is it worth it? YES! It gives me something to focus on and it keeps my ego from slamming down more than it already is… 

As I move more into recovery I am able to do a bit more – but I have to be on guard – watching for those nasty intrusive thoughts.. and stay mindful of the moment… and use anything I can to avoid sliding into the pit… 

I still have a memory like a spider web (after my brain injury it was swiss cheese)… certain words in songs will set me off on the wrong path… I still need my quiet time… 

God and I are on better terms again… when you are so down and hitting bottom it’s really hard to keep that relationship going… the prayers of friends have helped when I have reached out… 

As for anxiety – yup – that still likes to come and play with depression… just not as often… 

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog – I hope I am able to shed a bit of light on what depression and anxiety are like for anyone – but especially for a Christian… 

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