Pow! Right in the kisser!

Today was a fairly good day at least for me. We’re in the midst of a major house cleaning and right now it looks like a tornado has hit my house. There have been many bags going to thrift stores as well as recycling. There are empty boxes there are full boxes. There is lots of clutter to clean away. Being ADHD, brain injured (1997) and also dealing with depression and anxiety which leads me even more confused and with increased short term memory problems, it has been very interesting. The last few days i felt like i have worked hard but i don’t have much to show for it, except a whole bunch of recycling bags sitting in my driveway until Friday.

One of the ideas that I have learnt during my therapy is to make a goal and then break it down into several smaller pieces so that you can feel successful. I have also learnt to try to not majorly focus on one thing but rather to move between tasks including tasks of enjoyment. To that end i have taken up crocheting and drawing.

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The above is my first attempt digital art on a Samsung galaxy note 8. I’ve also been working on crocheting and becoming more proficient at it. I have a big project to do it again i’m trying to break it down into manageable steps.

The drawing i completed yesterday and today I’ve been focused more on crocheting.  Basically i felt pretty good about what i have accomplished both artistically and in cleaning out and de-cluttering the house.

Today hubby came home and i’m guessing he was tired overheated and in pain due to his medical issues. When he came into the bedroom he found something that was the straw on the camels back and he was loud and grumpy, I Felt Many of the same feeling I used to as a child. Messed up. Disappointed. And it was to me the equivalent of “POW” Right in the kisser.  So Yes my mood slipped down after and for the last few hours i have been fighting so that I don’t drop into isolation mode or worse. Please know that my hubby is beyond wonderful. He completes me and cherishes me, I’m just blogging about my reaction. He did apologize.

So now with my mood low and anxiety up I’m planing on going to bed as l am exhausted with the effort. | just wish that my internal person is so fragile that simple harsh few few words send me back down a few pegs.and the cycle has started again.  In trying to deal With it I Feel overwhelmed, useless,stupid and Unworthy. Now I’m exhausted so until next time WP bloggers.

How can you be depressed?!?!?

The other day at group therapy we were discussing on how people seem to think that depression “MUST” be gone the first time you laugh or crack a joke… yes, depressed people can still laugh and joke around… and giggle… and thank God we can – or the results might be horrendous. 

I liken it to this – when people go to a funeral it is a “SAD” event – then usually there is a reception or a wake or a celebration of life – and someone will tell a funny story about the dearly departed and people will laugh or giggle… does that mean that the sadness of the passing of a loved one is over? The mourning is finished? Of course not! 

But when it comes to depression – the opposite seems to be the standard belief… 

Believe it or not – I don’t lie around on the couch everyday (just some days) and I don’t hide in the house (at least not when my depression has lessened)… I don’t spend all day crying or moaning… 

Most days I get up, get showered, take my medications and do what I can each day… 

I can be “just fine” in the morning but more depressed at night… 

I can be driving and singing along with the music and suddenly have suicidal thoughts (aka invasive thoughts)…. like the other day – all was fine… I was waiting to turn left after an 18 wheeler (which was booking it) passed me and voila! Out of no where I’m thinking, yup – I could turn now and… well – you will get the rest… 

Meetings – I have chaired a few meetings since my diagnosis and I have done well (or so I am told)… then afterwards I crash and burn for a couple of days… I have used up a lot of energy in order to be able to chair in prep work – and then in actually chairing the meetings (BTW my caseworker & psychiatrist both support my volunteer work)… is it worth it? YES! It gives me something to focus on and it keeps my ego from slamming down more than it already is… 

As I move more into recovery I am able to do a bit more – but I have to be on guard – watching for those nasty intrusive thoughts.. and stay mindful of the moment… and use anything I can to avoid sliding into the pit… 

I still have a memory like a spider web (after my brain injury it was swiss cheese)… certain words in songs will set me off on the wrong path… I still need my quiet time… 

God and I are on better terms again… when you are so down and hitting bottom it’s really hard to keep that relationship going… the prayers of friends have helped when I have reached out… 

As for anxiety – yup – that still likes to come and play with depression… just not as often… 

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog – I hope I am able to shed a bit of light on what depression and anxiety are like for anyone – but especially for a Christian… 

Reaching into the tornado

I like analogies…  And this one seems fit for for me…  At times my life suddenly seems like a have been swept up by a tornado and everything about me is pulled away…  Then I land but I’m definitely not in Kansas. 

The aspects of my life are still stuck in the tornado and if I want to claim them back I have to reach into it and hope to reclaim parts of my life…  All while hoping I don’t get sucked back in… Sometimes you get smacked as they are going to fast to snag…  Other times you feel you have a grasp and you lose your grip on it…

At times it is pitch black and nothing around me makes sense…  Other times there is a foggy dawn…  Maybe a sliver of light… 

Most times you have to wait out the tornado…  And when it finally disappears you start to try to reassemble parts of your life back…  Parts are broken,  parts are missing,  parts are scattered and often you feel confused about what fits where and of course there are no instructions… There are scars, bruises and even cuts… Every part of you aches… At times you just curl up and try to sleep to get away from the confusion…  Other times you simply ignore it…  There are times you try really hard to pull it back together only to see it crumble… 

There is no why or how.  There is only where you are… 

You need guides and instructors to help you get some sort of balance back in your life…  To help you put pieces back together or to help you figure out how to duct tape and do the best you can with what you have.

Indeed it can be overwhelming… So if you see somebody struggling don’t try to fix them but be nearby offering help for when they realize they need it. People are disoriented, confused, emotional, wanting to hide, suicidal even inundated with suicidal thoughts. Sometimes they just need somebody that just sits there and sits there and sits there until they are ready to try and rebuild something.

I know for me when I’m having a hard time I go and curl up with hubby on the bed and he just lies there holding my hand…  And at that moment,  that is all I need…  The rest can come later…  It’s the love and support I need at that moment…  He knows he can’t fix me but he can support me… 

I am blessed…  I have a great support network and the best husband… 

And of course I have God…  My comforter, my sheild, my rock… 

I was reading in my Bible about the bruised reed He will not break (done by only a scant breeze) and for the first time I noticed the latter part where it says a smoldering wick He will not snuff out…  And that really spoke to me as I don’t feel like I’m shing but rather struggling to revive my light… But it Gave me reassurance that God is still there…