Home again & the journey continues…

I was released from the psych ward last Friday… some old meds removed – some new meds added… other meds tweak… and I feel better – I feel okay – no use of PRNs since my release…

I know I’m not ready to go back to work just yet… I need to build up to it… get some therapy sessions  – one on one counseling… more group therapy.. . and DBT therapy.. which might or might not start in 2014 – it depends on the wait list…

But i definitely feeling more optimist about life again… I have hope again… how far I go to recover myself I don’t know yet.. but I’m planning to keep going… and see where the road takes me…

From Extrovert to Introvert

A few months ago,  say November,  anyone who knows me would have classified me as an extrovert… Since my depression and anxiety have hit I am very much the opposite… 

So what has changed,  other than brain chemistry? From personal insight I would say that I’ve put up a wall partly for personal protection and to keep people away and partly because I don’t
seem to have the same energy (ability,  compassion,  patience… )  to deal with other people…

In some ways I am numb at times…

Other times my internal pain is already overwhelming enough…  And other times I simply don’t care or don’t care to notice… 

Either way,  the paradigm has shifted… 
I’m just wondering if others have noticed anything similar and can provide some personal introspective comments… 

Flickering Flame

For the past week I’ve been an inpatient at our local hospital…  In the psych ward…  Major med adjustments…  Tonight hubby will pick me up on a weekend pass…  Next week towards the end of the week I should be released…  Then the next phase of this journey will continue…  Trying to establish a daily routine…  Which is harder than it sounds…  Mostly it will be do an activity,  rest,  repeat…  I will be using coping strategies I have picked up during the last 2 months…  I will have my meds and the extra when required…
And I have my faith…  Without that I would be dead already…

I toying with the idea of attending church on Sunday…  Partly the stigma for mental illness often runs deep in churches…  Let me pray for you! Have faith! Be strong!

Now,  I do believe in miracles and healing from God…  I’ve seen too many miracles not to believe…

But I also know that Paul had an affliction – and he had incredible faith…  Timothy had a stomach ailment,  David & Elisha suffered from depression…

I don’t believe in the nothing bad should happen to me as in a Christian false faith…

Christians, I believe, are given trials to endure as a way to show His light during these dark times…

And yes, my light has flickered several times… But there is still a flame…
flickering flame

Duck season or Wabbit season?

Did anxiety come first or did depression? One thing I know is that they like to play together and play fiendish pranks…  It reminds me of Bugs Bunny arguing with Duffy Duck over who was the target for Elmer Fudd… Bugs Bunny Clip

Some days you wake up and depression has decided to take most of the energy away from you…  Except when anxiety has the second act and you find yourself scurring to the bathroom (sorry if TMI)…

Other times you can be sitting reading or working on a puzzle when wham! It’s like a rocket ship just launched inside you…  It might be a delayed reaction to something from earlier and other times it just comes – reason unknown…

I wish that brain scans were more able to track the neurochemistry that happens…  Maybe in another decade…  At least until then there are some medications which can help…  And therapies which are a longer term aide…

The Canadian system isn’t bad and there are therapies which can help…  It just can take a while to get into the system ones compared to the self funded…  Which isn’t an option when you are either on employment insurance or some sort of disability…

Either way it’s going to be a long and hard journey with many hills and valleys to get through …  I’m blessed in that I have a good personal support network of family and friends as well as  some good medical experts helping me walk through my current valley…