Ping Pong…

That’s how I feel my life is right now – ping pong – and I’m the ball… getting hit from every which way – with no control and being thrown about by emotional upheaval…

Today I had suicidal thoughts again… I had SOOO thought I was past those… I would be one of the ones who had a single bout and triumphantly marched back to normal life again – never to be sucked back in… apparently I was wrong… and its going to be a much harder battle than I had thought…

So where does this put me? I’m supposed to show up for 2 hours tomorrow at work… part of my graduated return to work… Can’t you hear the conversation now?

How you been?
Ill…
How you doing today?
So far so good, no thoughts of suicide today… this makes 1 of 1 days in a row!!

I knew that days would be some up some down… I just didn’t know it would get this low again… at least not this soon…

So what triggered it? I’m guessing several things – one being the education tomorrow of my coworkers and putting in 2 hours… two of thinking too much… of not walking – and then trying to figure out why I can’t make myself walk… three of outside pressures…

For now I’m just going to try to breathe, be distracted and hope I can sleep soon… and I guess tackle the day tomorrow… one breath at a time… off to the land of distractions I go… I’m becoming such an expert farmer on Xbox…

• Posted in: anxiety ♦ coping ♦ depression ♦ distractions ♦ education ♦ mental health ♦ stigma ♦ stress ♦ suicidal thoughts ♦ suicide ♦ thoughts ♦ work ♦ xbox
• Tagged: anxiety, coping, depression, depression. stigma, doubt, education, fears, healing, living, mental health, reflection, stigma, suicide, thoughts