Waves

The waves come and they hit me… Sometimes they build quickly other times more gradually but I notice… There are no words to describe it accurately and if you understand without my feeble attempt then you have my utmost sympathy…

It’s like I suddenly find myself at the edge of a cliff and from out in the void there is a vacuum trying to pull me down… I read on another blog about someone feeling they they were cast down a well and struggling to breathe…

It is NOT panic…  Oppression is the closest word I can find…  It is vile,  evil…  It sucks the life out of you…  I abhor it..  I loathe it…

If you ever saw the movie The Princess Bride think of the scene where Wesley is connected to that torture device the Life Sucking Machine…  The scene where he is asked how it makes him feel and  breaks down … That is how I feel at the thought of another episode looming…  Although I don’t physically cry… my depression is the type where I don’t have unending tears… I just ache and ache…

With the episodes I sometimes tell myself to just live until the next breath… Then live until the next breath… And I text my prayer warrior friends asking them to pray me through it… And I breathe…

There is no thought… It is all just sensations… I feel pressure in my chest and my gut and my head… And I breathe until the prayers work and the pressure subsides… And then waves subside… are gone like the tide…

Afterwards I feel emotionally, physically and spiritually spent… Today’s episode left me with a nasty headache… And during some of the waves I was physically shaking with my mostly my hands but also my arms and even my stomach and chest muscles… at times my breathing was quivering…

I survived… But I totally understand how people without God commit suicide… I’m glad I have God… And blessed to have some great friends praying for me…

1 Comment

  1. These are awesome posts, keep up the good work…

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